shopping setback and depression

First of all, let me clarify. Yes, I understand that it is going to take a while on the diet before I see real results, thats not what this is about.

What its about is trying to find clothes that I can fit to, for the last month off and on I've been stopping in at Ross in hopes of finding some work appropriate blouses as currently I have a total of 5. I used to have more, they don't fit any longer (or are too cleavage-tastic to be appropriate). The search is futile. 2x tops no longer fit (part of this is because I finally got the right size bra, going from a DD to a G) and the selection of 3x tops... well the range goes from simply unflattering to outright ugly.

I also tried on some pants, a size larger than I've ever worn before... and they didn't fit right.

I was near tears, and seriously began to consider whether I should just start wearing dresses or skirt sets as they're easier to hide the flab, and easier to find in sizes I can wear. The level of self-disgust and depression was unmanageable... all I could think of was going to mcdonalds and getting a big greasy quarterpounder and a metric ton of french fries, maybe even a chocolate dipped cone and a trough of dr pepper. If I'm going to be disgustingly fat I might as well dedicate myself fully to the effort, right?

Of course it was unrealistic and ridiculously overdramatic, its just part of my self hating cycle.

We compounded the mistake by going to a Halloween store, costume shopping... Lots of mid-drift revealing outfits that show off as much skin as possible. I found exactly one costume that was an XL, nothing larger that might actually fit me. Of course. More self loathing.

I would ban all shopping until I get more results, but I desperately need more clothes I can wear to work, so more misery is in my near future. Hopefully soon I can find enough to carry me through, but somehow I doubt that.

Aside from the bit of self disgust and junk food cravings, which as I say are just part of my self-hatred in those kind of moments... I actually look at this as motivation to lose weight, so one day I can stop feeling this way about myself and be a happier person in general.

Its hard to love yourself or really be a happy, life affirming type of person when you feel disgust every time you accidentally make eye contact with a mirror. Every day of the diet (and yes, the rant is coming where I will bitch about people constantly telling me NOT to consider it a diet) is a day closer to becoming the person who can do and be those things.