You there, what you thinking?
Hmm
Words, must do those
Pondering words, book or blog.. sister-cousin insists
Last year for nanowrimo I tried to write a true-ish story of storied adventures, too much dwelling on certain negative experiences got into my head so that the past overrode the present.
May try again, with brutal honesty and an attempt at clarity.
We'll see.
Just blathering cause I remembered to be here
So.
The next person who tries to tell me I'm a shitty human being becuase I don't worry about or pay attention to world news, politics from other countries, most of the politics from my own country, etc... may be the lucky recipient of a box of shut the f*ck up, and a junk punch.
Yes, I know its important, and some of it has potential to eventually affect us... However, my angsting and worrying over it is going to do absolutely nothing to influence the situation. If our gas prices jump another $5 because of some middle east conflict, I'll try and find ways to come up with gas money to continue coming to work. My stressing over the possibility isn't going to prevent it from happening... So why not spend that time doing something more immediate... Sure, I'll look at my budget and where corners can be cut if necessary... but as I lack any kind of marketable skill toward solving the problem, thats all I can realistically do.
I could write congress people and politicians, paper my walls with form letters that don't even promise that my opinion was heard, and feel like I'm accomplishing something... but, again, I feel that time can be better spent focusing on my own day to day survival.
When I was in... maybe 2nd grade... for homework we had to watch the news and read the paper every day for a month. I got so immersed in all the horrible, depressing things going on in the world, and my complete uselessness in doing anything to magically make those things better... I literally made myself sick crying over what a horrible ugly world we live in... I honestly couldnt' understand why people bothered *living* in this world... why we didn't all jump off a cliff like a bunch of lemmings...
My grandpa finally sat me down and came up with an explination that appealed to my poor little bleeding heart that wanted to save every stray puppy and starving foreign child... You can't. It isn't physically possible for me to rescue every stray puppy in existence, help every wounded bird that falls out of a tree, feed every hungry belly on the planet. All I can do is help the ones that I can. In other words, fight the battles that I have a chance at, help people save themselves. Most importantly, trust that there are others out there working on helping the ones outside of my personal sphere.
Somewhere along the line I managed to bury the majority of that oversensitive bleeding heart in a few layers of cynicism, but y'know what? Its how I survive... because opening the door to the suicidal "Why bother continuing to live in a big bad ugly world like this" just isn't an intelligent choice for me to make.
Do I recommend everyone do as I do? Absolutely not. This is my life and how I choose to live it. If others have the skill and the passion to reach further than their own personal spheres and network with others who can reach even further... Great! I may pitch in from time to time as I feel that I can, but I'm perfectly content to let them do the good works that need doing.
And yes, I acknowledge that should some conspiracy theorist's favorite Non Zombie end world scenario come to fruition, I'll likely be screwed becuase of my lack of preparation and awareness...and if they choose not to take pity and rescue me, I can accept that they have every right to feel that I don't deserve saving. Maybe in that post-apocalyptic world people like me are better off left to drown, leaving the next civilizations to be built by those who might have a better chance of creating an enlightened society. I fully accept that if the world moves on I may be left behind.
I live my life day to day, paycheck to paycheck. If I come along someone on my path who needs a little help that I am capable of offering, I do it or help them find someone who can. If I feel passionate about a cause I speak up, I look for ways to show support, I do what I can for as long as I can manage. If the passion fizzles or other life concerns take precedence, I trust the others to continue on in my absence.
This is my life, and the way that I live it. I don't expect anyone else to do it the way that I do.
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
...and I won't back down
(I won't back down...)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(and I won't back down...)
hey I will stand my ground
(I won't back down)
and I won't back down..."
I dunno if Tom Petty crept in to serenade me in my sleep, or was on the radio driving in to work but the song is stuck in my head today. Could do worse, I suppose
<em>334</em>
So we'll take it as a cue from the Mary Sunshine crew who keep pouting at me for taking the more negative approach (all in fun, folks, I fully accept that I need a poke now and again to keep me from letting the pessimism become unhealthy. Dwelling is bad!)
Right now sucks, because back in October when I started, even with the Halloween drinking binge, I was still down from 262 to 249. I was not only staying under 2000 calories a day, it was actually a struggle to do more than 1600 (and my average days were around 1200 when I was at my most restrictive, no foods that didn't come with trackable nutrition info). I was going to the gym at least twice, sometimes three times a week. I was enjoying my visits with the treadmill and beginning to explore potential relationships with other machines (the elliptical only served to confuse me, which was a disappointment after all the great things I'd heard about it. I felt like I was trying to ride a child's bicycle). We were taking GNC's Active Vita-Pak supplement thingys (not sure how much it helped with the diet, but there was definitely a noticable difference in energy levels when used regularly).
Being back up to 260 sucks, but having dropped almost 20lbs by being vigiliant and restrictive with my food options, going to the gym, and staying motivated... That helps me remember that what was done once can be done again. The fact that I managed to maintain 254 through most of the holidays helps me remember not to be afraid of what happens once I reach the target goal of a happy/comfortable weight. All I have to do to maintain is stick with responsible eating habits and regular exercise.
The hope, of course, is that by the time I get down to a more desired weight, I'll have conquered the binge-impulses... or at least learned better self control tricks and tactics. The reality is that it is likely to still hapen from time to time, and I must remember that it doesn't matter what I ate yesterday or the day before. If I gave in to the urge for a big greasy burger for lunch, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be leaning toward healthier choices today.
Of course that brings up the problem second only to the binge-eating habits. The fact that I enjoy very few fruits or vegetables, that there are a number of foods I cannot eat for various digestive reasons... anything even slightly spicy, a great number of seasonings, even plain old black pepper. So finding healthier foods that I can actually enjoy is a long, slow, difficult journey. A lot of the healthier recipes I find include ingredients I can't handle.
Breakfast and lunch are usually doable as we can find lean cuisine/etc type meals to bring to work. Dinner is often the problematic one, with my limits and lack of cooking creativity. BF has requested that I come up with some menu options, shopping list, etc but even when it comes to food I already know that I enjoy I have a great deal of difficulty coming up with options within an even more limited range. We're working on finding more things that I can manage, bf enjoys veggies and such so basically he gets what he wants and I try a bite.
So on we go, to see what we shall see.
And to round the whole post out, of course.
I won't back down.
