shopping setback and depression

First of all, let me clarify. Yes, I understand that it is going to take a while on the diet before I see real results, thats not what this is about.

What its about is trying to find clothes that I can fit to, for the last month off and on I've been stopping in at Ross in hopes of finding some work appropriate blouses as currently I have a total of 5. I used to have more, they don't fit any longer (or are too cleavage-tastic to be appropriate). The search is futile. 2x tops no longer fit (part of this is because I finally got the right size bra, going from a DD to a G) and the selection of 3x tops... well the range goes from simply unflattering to outright ugly.

I also tried on some pants, a size larger than I've ever worn before... and they didn't fit right.

I was near tears, and seriously began to consider whether I should just start wearing dresses or skirt sets as they're easier to hide the flab, and easier to find in sizes I can wear. The level of self-disgust and depression was unmanageable... all I could think of was going to mcdonalds and getting a big greasy quarterpounder and a metric ton of french fries, maybe even a chocolate dipped cone and a trough of dr pepper. If I'm going to be disgustingly fat I might as well dedicate myself fully to the effort, right?

Of course it was unrealistic and ridiculously overdramatic, its just part of my self hating cycle.

We compounded the mistake by going to a Halloween store, costume shopping... Lots of mid-drift revealing outfits that show off as much skin as possible. I found exactly one costume that was an XL, nothing larger that might actually fit me. Of course. More self loathing.

I would ban all shopping until I get more results, but I desperately need more clothes I can wear to work, so more misery is in my near future. Hopefully soon I can find enough to carry me through, but somehow I doubt that.

Aside from the bit of self disgust and junk food cravings, which as I say are just part of my self-hatred in those kind of moments... I actually look at this as motivation to lose weight, so one day I can stop feeling this way about myself and be a happier person in general.

Its hard to love yourself or really be a happy, life affirming type of person when you feel disgust every time you accidentally make eye contact with a mirror. Every day of the diet (and yes, the rant is coming where I will bitch about people constantly telling me NOT to consider it a diet) is a day closer to becoming the person who can do and be those things.

Motivation: This beautiful coat and other clothes that I'd love to fit into!

I have been pining after this coat for well over a year now, but at the time it was on sale for only $100 I couldn't justify the expense on something that only goes up to XL and thus may not fit... especially now that the price is back up to $198 and hasn't gone back on sale. I've told myself I could look into their exchange policies and make sure that I can trade it for something else if it doesn't fit, but I don't think anything on the site goes above XL. I tried telling myself that I should check the return policy, find out whether they might be willing to refund the coat if I can't get into it... But the chance of the coat not fitting gangs up with the cost and I haven't been able to justify the risk.

I want the coat, I don't think I have words to explain how much I want this particular coat, this exact design, or even why it calls to me so strongly. Yes, I want a jacket that actually gives me a shape, rather than some shapeless gunnysack of a coat that more often than not makes me look twice as large as I already am...

The BF and I have been back and forth about this coat, him trying to convince me that I should go for it, using all the arguments about exchange and refund that I've tried on myself already, but I just haven't been able to face the potential disappointment of pulling this beautiful thing out of the box and not being able to get into it. Its a disappointment I'm used to with my more than ample bust, but a devastating one when I'm as attached to the idea of something as I am to this. I've had myself convinced that the fantasy of the coat is more satisfying than the potential risk of bursting my shiny bubble...

However, the coat haunts me... I lust for this coat more than I can rightly recall having lusted after any human being, especially for such an extended period of time. Crushes, infatuation, certainly.. but this full on craving, this insatiable desire to find out whether it could work out... for over a year? No, not that I can recall, not even in my youthful Jonathan Brandis obsession ;)

So I will cave, but I will do it for a damn good reason. This coat is going to be my reward for slimming down enough to fit into it, buttons closed with no gaps! This coat will be the first step toward a beautiful new wardrobe that will eventually replace the majority of my current collection of t-shirt and jeans. Each reward will be accompanied by throwing out (or donating) an item from my fat clothes collection.

The Trap!

Yesterday ended reasonably well, although in my efforts to stay under goal I went too far under... less than 1300, so the site yelled at me when I finished my calculation for the day.

There was a huge temptation to eat something else, but it was after 11pm and I was getting ready for bed so it didn't seem wise. Even realizing that eating just before bed is supposed to bad, just knowing that I could afford another meal... my belly rumbled, lecturing me for passing up a chance after teasing it all day long with "meals" that couldn't come close to satisfying hunger...

I keep finding myself thinking of calories as a bank... I withdrew 240 for breakfast, lunch is around 300, I'll likely pull out enough for a soda... and what I really want is a snickers bar but when we looked up the nutrition info it just didn't seem reasonable. About the calorie value I expected, but almost half of it in fat...

Fat is another problem, by the by. It seems counter intuitive to intentionally eat some fatty foods, since I want to lose the roll around my midsection it seems like I should be avoiding fat. Yet the site also yelled at me for not eating enough of that.

My head spins. If I do my best to only eat healthy, low cal (cardboard flavored) foods, I'm not eating enough... if I go for tastier foods its too much... Somewhere a middle ground exists, I just have to stumble my way into it.

However, I still consider yesterday as being under goal, and a success.

The Girl in the Mirror

The girl in the mirror has never been my friend. I was a fat kid and no one ever let me forget that fact, jabbing and tugging at my flab like it was a game, poking fun at my weight and attitude, day by day shoving me further into insecurity until I felt there was no point in trying to escape. I became a self hating creature, claiming I was comfortable with myself while keeping eyes averted from my reflection. Its easier to lie when you can't see the blobbity thing with accusing eyes, that poor skinny girl hating the fatsuit that carries her around.

People tell me constantly that I look good, that I carry my weight well, that I'm proportionate so it doesn't matter. What they mean is that I have a huge rack, so most people never really look at my wobbly midsection. I hate you when you tell me I look fine the way I am, because in my head what you're really saying is "I like that you're fat." Accept this truth, I am overweight. According to the BMI charts I'm well into the category of obesity. Yes, I'm tall and well endowed, that doesn't change the fact that the "ideal" weight for my height is almost a hundred pounds less than I weigh now.

Please don't say polite things intended to talk me out of getting into better shape. To be frank, where it concerns insecurities the opinion of others is pretty much irrelevant. I have no intention of becoming a stick figure or a barbie doll. I want to drop 50 pounds, to be at a healthy weight, to fit into nicer clothes. Most importantly, I want to make friends with that girl in the mirror. I am going to do this... and if you can't be supportive, just get out of the way.