Calorie Resentment!

I'm already beginning to feel a resentment, even bitterness toward calories (as if they're an entity determined to take my tasty foods away from me!)... Its unreasonable, and if I'd eaten better before now it wouldn't be such a disappointment... But damned if I can smile about eating a cardboard tasting low-cal meal that isn't even enough to put the hunger down. I've usually been good at eating just till I'm not hungry anymore, rather than trying to fill up, but damn my belly feels empty.

I'm having a stressful day so I gave myself a Mtn Dew to go with my Smart Ones Chicken Parm... Taking my lunch from 290 to 460. Rather than be angry at myself for indulging, I choose to direct my frustration at the calories themselves. Maybe that will burn some off? Doubtful, but I hate that I have to feel bad about having a soda. One, my only soda for the day... I've gone through 2 32 oz bottles of water already today, making my work morning somewhat uncomfortable (I'm a receptionist, if I need to leave the desk I have to call and get someone to take the phones.. and I have this incredibly silly hang-up where I don't even want people to acknowledge knowing I'm doing something restroom related, much less have to make a big deal of it...)

No matter how much water I suck down, I'm still hungry. Most of the food cravings are for junk that I try not to eat very often anyway so even if it weren't for calories I would resist it... but not being allowed to have the junk, even though I know I really don't want it, irritates the

I feel like I'm trying to break a food addiction, maybe thats not far off. I had no idea until yesterday's shopping adventure that I've been so drastically and grossly over-indulging myself. Too used to instant gratification, crankiness results from self-denial. I am a spoiled child on the verge of a tantrum because I WANT COOKIES! Or chips, or another soda... but even the kraft handi-snacks I keep in my desk are a bad idea, although they're only 100 calories 50% of that is from fat! The whole thing gets me so upset I resist even chewing gum, and in a snit last night refused to buy headache meds because I didn't know how many calories per tylenol.

I'm not a positive person, its just too easy to dwell on the frustration and drown myself in an angst-bucket but I'm doing my best to look for positives... If I can stick to it, exercise a little self control and willpower it will eventually be worth it. I know it will be a while before I'll see much in the way of measure-able progress, and initially much of that will be self delusion as I insist that my jeans fit more comfortably than they did last week even though I still can't get the button to stay closed.

I'm being realistic in my goals, I understand that the current frustrations are because I need to train myself into better habits. Eventually the mouse sized portions will begin to satisfy my appetite, I'll learn what snacks are acceptable, how to decide on meals based on a more reasonable distribution of my calorie allotment. I'll be used to what indulgences I can "afford" instead of hating myself for a Mtn Dew because that means my dinner will be smaller or I'll have to forego snacks.

But I'm going to keep blaming the calories, tell myself that staying under goal is a way of teaching the little bastards they can't beat me down! Just like people in my past who have made me feel that I could never succeed, I choose in this challenge to fight through it and prove them (the calories!) wrong. I can and will stay under goal, I won't rage at myself if an occasional indulgence puts me over the line. I'll keep chugging the water down like I'm drowning and the only way to survive is drink the pool dry!