Disappoimtment

I'm having a crappy week, fighting with people over the most ridiculous things, cranky, on edge, and having headaches that make my skull feel like its trying to cave in on itself. Food is unappealing, even the stuff I actually enjoy the taste off, and its a chore to force it down most of the time. I do not want food, however I will not starve myself as I know that its counter-productive. The body requires its minimum amount of sustenance and I will give it at least that, and even if I weren't willing to do that the BF would force feed me if he even thought I was deliberately not eating. So I eat, the body doesn't care how the food tastes, just wants nutrients to absorb, so I will continue to feed its food addiction.

Our first day at the new Gym was Monday, we got a free meeting/assessment with the trainer... Good, because she was nice and helpful... Bad because it is now fully official that I am obese. She tried to cheer it up by saying that I didn't have a lot to lose in order to fall into merely overweight, but thats really cheerful..  It also wasn't a surprise, so wasn't as upsetting as it could be. It did help a lot that she said if we ever have questions or need help she doesn't care if we're paying for training sessions, she doesn't want us to give up or get discouraged so feel free to come to her.

The treadmill felt good, we did 20 min and after 10 I was struggling, but slowed down a bit and got a second wind I guess... I wanted to stay and just gradually increase difficulty for a while but bf wanted to try other machines.  The elliptical I did not like, maybe its adjustable or copying the guy next to me wasn't enough to figure out what I was doing, but I felt like I was trying to ride a child's bicycle, it felt too short for me and I couldn't get comfortable. The weight machines I'm not a fan of either...

But the trainer said that for the first few weeks we should be focusing more on just start going 2-3 days a week and slowly work up to 5 once its a habit. She said focusing on cardio for the first bit, as its easiest and most comfortable to get into is a good idea, and slowly start adding in other things as we go along until we have a full workout going on a regular schedule.

So for now treadmill it will be, and I'll try other things here and again as we go in more often. I had a nice happy little buzz after getting off the treadmill, wobbly hips and knees, hopefully eventually the other machines will kick up the endorphins as well.

Today will be our second trip to the gym, and I'm looking forward to it...

Today the mail finally came with that gorgeous coat I ordered and I look horrid in it... Its too small, and even taking the lacing in the back out it still won't button... I used to be able to wear an XL, maybe not over my chest but I used to be able to get XL coats to button up to a certain point, but this one even with the back's lacing removed, won't catch a single button. I feel disgustingly pathetically fat... I'll likely continue to wear the one (I got both colors) because it looks "ok" unlaced and unbuttoned, it hangs alright so until it gets cold out i should be able to wear it.... The other is goign to go on a hook on the back of the closet or bathroom door as a daily reminder to stop being fat so I can fit in the coat I just wasted so much money on (cable got disconnected last night, I bought the coats instead of paying the bill...)

I'm extremely disappointed that it didn't fit, that I blew the money I should've spent responsibly... So maybe if wanting to fit in the coat *and look good wearing it* isnt' motivation enough, maybe I can shame myself into a different kind of motivation.

Positive motivation works better for most people, but for me sometimes negative works even better...  de-motivational posters and whatnot, maybe to shame myself into it, maybe just as a reminder of what  I DON'T want to be anymore... Its not something I know how to complain, just that sometimes positive focused attempts are only destined for failure with me... Like calling it a"life-style change" in the past has only been an excuse to claim I was dieting while sitting on my ass and doing absolutely nothing to effect a change... however in calling it an actual Diet, which so many people try to tell me I can't do... is helping me motivate and stay dedicated to it. The word Diet has a finality to it that hangs over my head as a reminder to fight temptation to go back to binge-eating and such, so unlike most I prefer it this way.

So.  I will hang a coat as my daily reminder to stop being too fat to look good in it... I will continue with my calories and portion control so that I don't slip back into binge habits... I will go to the gym (and the amount I'm paying per month is bonus motivation to not waste those fees by making excuses not to go)... I will succeed.

I will one day be able to look in the mirror and smile becuase I will be comfortable and happy within my own skin, instead of immediately turning away in disgust.