Plan of fat-conquering attack.

"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
...and I won't back down

(I won't back down...)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(and I won't back down...)
hey I will stand my ground
(I won't back down)
and I won't back down..."

I dunno if Tom Petty crept in to serenade me in my sleep, or was on the radio driving in to work but the song is stuck in my head today. Could do worse, I suppose
<em>334</em>

So we'll take it as a cue from the Mary Sunshine crew who keep pouting at me for taking the more negative approach (all in fun, folks, I fully accept that I need a poke now and again to keep me from letting the pessimism become unhealthy. Dwelling is bad!)

Right now sucks, because back in October when I started, even with the Halloween drinking binge, I was still down from 262 to 249. I was not only staying under 2000 calories a day, it was actually a struggle to do more than 1600 (and my average days were around 1200 when I was at my most restrictive, no foods that didn't come with trackable nutrition info). I was going to the gym at least twice, sometimes three times a week. I was enjoying my visits with the treadmill and beginning to explore potential relationships with other machines (the elliptical only served to confuse me, which was a disappointment after all the great things I'd heard about it. I felt like I was trying to ride a child's bicycle). We were taking GNC's Active Vita-Pak supplement thingys (not sure how much it helped with the diet, but there was definitely a noticable difference in energy levels when used regularly).

Being back up to 260 sucks, but having dropped almost 20lbs by being vigiliant and restrictive with my food options, going to the gym, and staying motivated... That helps me remember that what was done once can be done again. The fact that I managed to maintain 254 through most of the holidays helps me remember not to be afraid of what happens once I reach the target goal of a happy/comfortable weight. All I have to do to maintain is stick with responsible eating habits and regular exercise.

The hope, of course, is that by the time I get down to a more desired weight, I'll have conquered the binge-impulses... or at least learned better self control tricks and tactics. The reality is that it is likely to still hapen from time to time, and I must remember that it doesn't matter what I ate yesterday or the day before. If I gave in to the urge for a big greasy burger for lunch, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be leaning toward healthier choices today.

Of course that brings up the problem second only to the binge-eating habits. The fact that I enjoy very few fruits or vegetables, that there are a number of foods I cannot eat for various digestive reasons... anything even slightly spicy, a great number of seasonings, even plain old black pepper. So finding healthier foods that I can actually enjoy is a long, slow, difficult journey. A lot of the healthier recipes I find include ingredients I can't handle.

Breakfast and lunch are usually doable as we can find lean cuisine/etc type meals to bring to work. Dinner is often the problematic one, with my limits and lack of cooking creativity. BF has requested that I come up with some menu options, shopping list, etc but even when it comes to food I already know that I enjoy I have a great deal of difficulty coming up with options within an even more limited range. We're working on finding more things that I can manage, bf enjoys veggies and such so basically he gets what he wants and I try a bite.

So on we go, to see what we shall see.

And to round the whole post out, of course.

I won't back down.

Disappoimtment

I'm having a crappy week, fighting with people over the most ridiculous things, cranky, on edge, and having headaches that make my skull feel like its trying to cave in on itself. Food is unappealing, even the stuff I actually enjoy the taste off, and its a chore to force it down most of the time. I do not want food, however I will not starve myself as I know that its counter-productive. The body requires its minimum amount of sustenance and I will give it at least that, and even if I weren't willing to do that the BF would force feed me if he even thought I was deliberately not eating. So I eat, the body doesn't care how the food tastes, just wants nutrients to absorb, so I will continue to feed its food addiction.

Our first day at the new Gym was Monday, we got a free meeting/assessment with the trainer... Good, because she was nice and helpful... Bad because it is now fully official that I am obese. She tried to cheer it up by saying that I didn't have a lot to lose in order to fall into merely overweight, but thats really cheerful..  It also wasn't a surprise, so wasn't as upsetting as it could be. It did help a lot that she said if we ever have questions or need help she doesn't care if we're paying for training sessions, she doesn't want us to give up or get discouraged so feel free to come to her.

The treadmill felt good, we did 20 min and after 10 I was struggling, but slowed down a bit and got a second wind I guess... I wanted to stay and just gradually increase difficulty for a while but bf wanted to try other machines.  The elliptical I did not like, maybe its adjustable or copying the guy next to me wasn't enough to figure out what I was doing, but I felt like I was trying to ride a child's bicycle, it felt too short for me and I couldn't get comfortable. The weight machines I'm not a fan of either...

But the trainer said that for the first few weeks we should be focusing more on just start going 2-3 days a week and slowly work up to 5 once its a habit. She said focusing on cardio for the first bit, as its easiest and most comfortable to get into is a good idea, and slowly start adding in other things as we go along until we have a full workout going on a regular schedule.

So for now treadmill it will be, and I'll try other things here and again as we go in more often. I had a nice happy little buzz after getting off the treadmill, wobbly hips and knees, hopefully eventually the other machines will kick up the endorphins as well.

Today will be our second trip to the gym, and I'm looking forward to it...

Today the mail finally came with that gorgeous coat I ordered and I look horrid in it... Its too small, and even taking the lacing in the back out it still won't button... I used to be able to wear an XL, maybe not over my chest but I used to be able to get XL coats to button up to a certain point, but this one even with the back's lacing removed, won't catch a single button. I feel disgustingly pathetically fat... I'll likely continue to wear the one (I got both colors) because it looks "ok" unlaced and unbuttoned, it hangs alright so until it gets cold out i should be able to wear it.... The other is goign to go on a hook on the back of the closet or bathroom door as a daily reminder to stop being fat so I can fit in the coat I just wasted so much money on (cable got disconnected last night, I bought the coats instead of paying the bill...)

I'm extremely disappointed that it didn't fit, that I blew the money I should've spent responsibly... So maybe if wanting to fit in the coat *and look good wearing it* isnt' motivation enough, maybe I can shame myself into a different kind of motivation.

Positive motivation works better for most people, but for me sometimes negative works even better...  de-motivational posters and whatnot, maybe to shame myself into it, maybe just as a reminder of what  I DON'T want to be anymore... Its not something I know how to complain, just that sometimes positive focused attempts are only destined for failure with me... Like calling it a"life-style change" in the past has only been an excuse to claim I was dieting while sitting on my ass and doing absolutely nothing to effect a change... however in calling it an actual Diet, which so many people try to tell me I can't do... is helping me motivate and stay dedicated to it. The word Diet has a finality to it that hangs over my head as a reminder to fight temptation to go back to binge-eating and such, so unlike most I prefer it this way.

So.  I will hang a coat as my daily reminder to stop being too fat to look good in it... I will continue with my calories and portion control so that I don't slip back into binge habits... I will go to the gym (and the amount I'm paying per month is bonus motivation to not waste those fees by making excuses not to go)... I will succeed.

I will one day be able to look in the mirror and smile becuase I will be comfortable and happy within my own skin, instead of immediately turning away in disgust.

Haven't written much because a lot of it would have been whining. I'm hungry, I don't like a lot of the foods I'm eating, I want a damn hamburger, I want cheese, wah! In spite of all that, I'm doing my best to stick with it.

Weekends are difficult as we sleep in and don't eat our first meal of the day until around noon, and I just can't bring myself to force 3 meals down between then and bedtime. Yesterday I ended up using that as an excuse to snack on buttered popcorn and vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup... Saturday I had a handful of tootsie rolls. Tasty, but not worth it. We did finish up the ice cream though, and thats almost the last of the junk foods we had in the house before starting. I've got a hidden box of chocolate pocky in the closet, saving for chocolate emergency *grin* otherwise there's a box of brownie mix, and a cake in the freezer that we plan to thaw out and take to a party this or next weekend. Ohhh... and some chocolate fudge pop tarts...

After that, aside from small single serving treats that can be kept aside as occasional rewards, I won't be bringing any more into the house. If its not there, I can't eat it.

Fridays we get out at Noon, so went to check out a couple of gyms. One that bf's mom goes to for her physical theurapy which was a nice little place and would've been cheap, but didn't really have much to offer. The other turns out to be just down the street from us, maybe a mile and a half at most. Lots of amenities (including oxygen bar),  more pricey but we decided it was worth the extra cost. Being so close to home takes away almost any excuse we might have to skip out.

Tonight we have an appointment to talk to one of their trainers about our goals, they'll do all the measurements and bmi stuff apparently, and go over what sort of exercise and whatnot we need to be doing to achieve our goals. Something I'm extremely nervous about as I know myself well enough to know there's a heavy chance of me taking things personally, which would be unproductive. BF and I are going together, though, so he can do most of the talking and elbow me if I get oversensitive :)

I'm hopeful, we're excited about the gym. Probably going to start at 2-3 days a week but I want to eventually be going 5... maybe even for a few minutes on the weekend.

So.

Whee.

:)

thud

Energy reserves are running close to empty... in part because its a rainy day and I really just want to be curled up in a blanket (or my obnoxious pink snuggie) and wait for the storm to crash down. Mostly because I'm exhausted, over worked (in the sense of constantly having to be on the go, rather than working too much at my job), and only get 4-5 hours sleep a night.

In the evening I can't find the energy to do much more than sit on the couch and try not to fall asleep until after dinner. So I play with the wii, watch tv a bit, look at the emails that I still need to respond to from almost a month ago... flitting from one thing to the next with a complete lack of focus. In my head I write lists of the things I need to be working on but it just makes me want to cry because I don't know where to find the time without giving up more sleep, or filling up my weeknights to the point that I don't stop moving until bedtime.

And somehow, with an overflowing social calendar, housework/etc type responsibilities, a full time job, wanting to do nanowrimo this year, and a boyfriend who doesn't know seem to know how to relax (I've been joking about slipping tranquilizers into his food so that I can stay home for the night)... I need to find time to start going to the gym. Its overwhelming... I just want to chuck it all and curl up in a dark closet for a bit just to get some quality alone time.

Since thats not an option, I'm just going to have to learn how to say "Sorry, but if you really want to go out you'll have to go alone this time" Which I put into practice for the first time today, as we're supposed to meet his friends at Red Lobster for endless something-or-other and I just don't trust myself to eat there.

Also, I desperately need to start getting to bed earlier. Every day I say I'll be in bed by 10, which turns into "Just one more episode of How I Met Your Mother" or some other tv show that comes on just as I'm about to get up.. or the bf and I curl up in bed and end up talking until well after midnight.. or something else comes up to prevent me from getting to bed (That friend I haven't seen online in at least a year who just happens to sign in as I'm about to shut down the laptop, that email I just need to answer, the blog I'm "almost" finished writing...) So I'm going to start trying to get to bed by 9, and if that doesn't work, I'll try to be in bed with a book by 8...

I'm hoping that clearing a couple of items out of the social calendar, keeping up with housework (do dishes every night after dinner instead of letting it pile up, etc)... and getting to bed earlier will help.

And maybe this headache I've had for the last couple of weeks will go away once I start getting more rest. Maybe I'll be able to focus on things again. I'm also hoping that getting rid of the headaches will cure the near constant nausea that comes with them... I feel like I'm just one loud bang away from a migraine.

Though I don't really mind that it makes food unappealing... less temptation to fall back on bad eating habits.

shopping setback and depression

First of all, let me clarify. Yes, I understand that it is going to take a while on the diet before I see real results, thats not what this is about.

What its about is trying to find clothes that I can fit to, for the last month off and on I've been stopping in at Ross in hopes of finding some work appropriate blouses as currently I have a total of 5. I used to have more, they don't fit any longer (or are too cleavage-tastic to be appropriate). The search is futile. 2x tops no longer fit (part of this is because I finally got the right size bra, going from a DD to a G) and the selection of 3x tops... well the range goes from simply unflattering to outright ugly.

I also tried on some pants, a size larger than I've ever worn before... and they didn't fit right.

I was near tears, and seriously began to consider whether I should just start wearing dresses or skirt sets as they're easier to hide the flab, and easier to find in sizes I can wear. The level of self-disgust and depression was unmanageable... all I could think of was going to mcdonalds and getting a big greasy quarterpounder and a metric ton of french fries, maybe even a chocolate dipped cone and a trough of dr pepper. If I'm going to be disgustingly fat I might as well dedicate myself fully to the effort, right?

Of course it was unrealistic and ridiculously overdramatic, its just part of my self hating cycle.

We compounded the mistake by going to a Halloween store, costume shopping... Lots of mid-drift revealing outfits that show off as much skin as possible. I found exactly one costume that was an XL, nothing larger that might actually fit me. Of course. More self loathing.

I would ban all shopping until I get more results, but I desperately need more clothes I can wear to work, so more misery is in my near future. Hopefully soon I can find enough to carry me through, but somehow I doubt that.

Aside from the bit of self disgust and junk food cravings, which as I say are just part of my self-hatred in those kind of moments... I actually look at this as motivation to lose weight, so one day I can stop feeling this way about myself and be a happier person in general.

Its hard to love yourself or really be a happy, life affirming type of person when you feel disgust every time you accidentally make eye contact with a mirror. Every day of the diet (and yes, the rant is coming where I will bitch about people constantly telling me NOT to consider it a diet) is a day closer to becoming the person who can do and be those things.

"Friends" or How hard is it to just say "Woo hoo GOOD FOR YOU!"

I am sick to death of supposed friends and their crappy attitudes about the BF and I trying to get into healthier shape. Every day when he posts to his facebook about his progress, at least one or two people have to respond with snarky and unsupportive comments. Co-Workers taunt us with what their lunch/dinner plans are, tease about going out for ice cream or other treats.

WTF is up with the mockery and almost cruel attitudes? Why is it so offensive to others that WE want to get OURSELVES in shape? Some of my female friends have gotten downright pissy, insisting vehemently that there's nothing wrong and I don't need to loose weight. Incidentally, most of the ones who respond this way are larger than I am, so in their case I imagine it has to do with insecurity... same as I myself get pissy when skinny girls bitch about their weight.

Luckily most of my own friends are at least being polite, but the bf's "buddies" seem intent on tearing him down and making him feel horrible about wanting to become healthier. First they mock him about his weight, then they react as if its unmanly to try getting into shape. I would shrug and say "men" but even a couple of his female friends have joined in.

Ugh. Stab.

assorted thoughts

Somehow I managed to stay under calorie goal today while slipping on foods... we had friends over for dinner, so I ended up splurging a bit on the mashed potatos... forgot how much I love 'em, I could have happily given away my share of everything else just to have more than one serving of tasty potato-ness... yet we knew it was coming, so I kept my breakfast and lunch under 300, so there would be plenty for dinner. I was convinced that the meal we had planned would be well over 1000.

The last couple of days I've been around 1300, today I broke 1500... the site is still yelling at me for not eating enough fats and calories, to the point that I'm considering adjusting my goal. A couple of times as I've been trying to figure out how to work it I've accidentally done something-or-ohter that causes it to reset itself to something like 13k-18k so I'm wondering if thats what I should be doing anyway?

Aside from food cravings and temptations to justify "But I'm under goal, I can totally afford this snickers bar!!" its not as hard as I expected. I'm still training myself to eat smaller portions instead of trying to fill up, so I'm still always a bit hungry, but its getting easier to push back.

I know that I will have my battles with self control, but so far its just a bit of a struggle. I'm trying to channel some of the positive feedback into motivation for other things... like possibly doing nanowrimo, getting out of bed early in the morning (the alarm clock is my enemy, I do not do well waking up), keeping up with housework... doing dishes before bed instead of letting them pile up...

Gotta keep rolling, I dunno if I'll be able to get going again if I stall.