What to say?

So.

About 4 years ago, maybe even 5... I managed to track down an address and phone number for my birth mother's uncle out in Kingman Arizona.

I tried calling once but when an old man answered I froze and hung up.

I've tried writing a number of times but the letters always get torn up.

She has a bad history, so I have no idea if the uncle would even be in contact with her. Would he throw away a letter addressed to her? Would he have any way of contacting her?

I've pondered maybe a postcard with a short and simple message that I'm looking for that side of my family. I have 2 older brothers from her first marriage, and no idea if she had more kids after she left me.

Maybe a Christmas card addressed to the family name?

I have no idea. Seems smarter to write something brief rather than spend a lot of time on a long message that she may never get.

But really... "Hi, Remember the daughter you abandoned almost 30 years ago?" doesnt' really seem conducive to beginning some sort of effort to get to know each other. "Hi, I don't really care if I ever see you again or not but I'm a bit curious about those brothers I've never met." Well that doesn't seem likely to get anywhere either.

I have no interest in teary reunions, she means less than nothing to me. The house I grew up in was the same one that my Grandparents had lived in when she was with my Dad. The phone number was the same. She could have called, written, come by to say hello.

I used to think she was some sort of dirty family secret because nobody ever talked about her around me, and they wouldn't answer any questions about her. I used to have nightmares of her kidnapping me out of the back yard.. but as I got older and got passed around to different family member's houses I used to fantasize about her showing up and wanting to me to live with her family.

I thought for a while that I was adopted because I couldn't find any pictures of me before about kindergarten age.

I overheard a comment once that my grandmother on her side lived in town somewhere, and that she used to live with her. Don't remember how old I was at that point, though I cried myself to sleep on the thought that I had a grandmother that lived close but had no interest in knowing me.

My cousin Johnny once gave me a picture that he had of her standing in my grandparents kitchen, pregnant with me. I kept it hidden in my room and would stare at myself in the mirror for hours trying to find any sign of her in my reflection. I tore it up one day.

She came to visit when I was about 12 and spent some time with my Dad, apparently trying to get back together with him or something. I stayed there for a weekend while she was there and had to suffer through a fake seeming "Oh you can't understand how hard its been for me all these years not knowing you." I hated her because it seemed so insincere. She could've known me if she'd tried. I pointed out that she could have called or sent birthday cards.

She left again, whether he sent her away or not I'm not entirely sure... I got a package from her for my 13th birthday, a walmart birthstone necklace and earring set. No return address, no letter, just the package addressed to me. And I never heard from her again. I've always thought that someone else sent the package so that I would think it was from her, and I'm not entirely sure whether that would've been a kindness. It gave me hope for a little while... because of course I didn't hate her, I just resented the hell out of her for not trying to know me when it would've been so easy to keep touch.

The weekend I spent.. she had talked about having me out to visit the family's ranch, see the horses and such. Meet my brothers. So when the package came for my birthday I got all these hopes about her following through, but... Nothing.

I don't even know my brothers's last name, so I have no way of searching for them except through her.

So. The dilemma. What to say...

I still don't know what I want from finding her, except to know things. A lot of "Why" questions, of course. The boys, mostly, but some else. Its always bothered me that there's an entire half of my blood that I know nothing about. I've always felt like I couldn't be a whole person, couldn't fully know myself with all those unanswered questions.

I'll probably be crippled with indecision forever. The more I think about it the more I Don't know what I want to do or say. Calling is out of the question, I never know what to say on the phone even when it isn't a confusing situation.

Ugh.