True Story

I've been keeping a fake diary
So when they make a movie of my life
people will think I was happy


My life is fired, I'm not sure what I did in the past or a past life to deserve to so consistently get into bad situations and have such bad luck but I'm running out of anything that could even optimistically be called optimism... and hope. I keep trying to do that whole "start over" thing but every time it explodes, usually in some messy way.

The actual truth of the last few years, instead of the polite lies I tell just to keep people from realizing how thoroughly miserable and lost I am.

In 2006 I ended a relationship. It was close to dead anyway, he and I had already talked about how it was most likely over but as we had just both ended our previous leases (rather, not signed on again) and were about to move in with some friends... we decided to go ahead with the move. He was convinced that living together would fix everything somehow. If not, we would break up and stay friends, and I would find somewhere else to go as soon as I could.

However, some other people... ones that I had trusted and cared for... decided to involve themselves in the situation, twisting something I'd said about where things stood into a story about how I bragged that I was using him until something better came along. The relationship ended badly and the friendship suffered.

Sadly, those 'friends' weren't content to just ensure the messy ending of a 2 year relationship... they also spread rumors about me within our friend group, telling people not to let me be alone with any of the men, though specifically one friend who they said I would "make him do things he doesn't want to". Painting me, essentially, as some sort of sexual predator on the prowl.

After a few months of this I was so lonely and depressed, not to mention feeling isolated due to living in a part of town where I couldn't go visit anyone, and working nights often 12+ days in a row without a day off. How much of the badness of those months is perception due to how miserable I was and how much was the conspiracy it felt like I still have no idea... but it got to the point that it was unhealthy for me to be there. I couldn't look at anything objectively and didn't trust that any of my friends actually cared about me, so I ran away.

I moved out to the country to stay with my dad for a bit. My plan was to get a job and work for a few months to save up, then move to Portland where a friend had a spare room, and I'd be within a 3 hour drive of a boy I thought myself in love with. However, the boy blew me off... Dad and I started to fight all the time, usually about completely irrelevant things... and I ended up moving in with a guy that I started seeing while I was there.

That relationship was a mess from start to finish, and a mistake all the way through. He was supposed to be "a hobby" something you do for a while until you get bored of it, a casual thing because when it started I thought I still had a chance with the other guy. He claimed to understand this. However, he is an alcoholic who is rarely without a beer or a rum n pepsi in hand. When he's drunk he can occasionally be unpleasant, even on a few occasions a little bit violent. He never beat me, but he did get extremely rough a few times. Most of his aggression was him screaming at me and punishing me for things that other people did because he didn't have the courage to confront the ones who actually upset him.

On top of this. I had a 2nd cousin, much older, who whenever he got drunk would try to talk me into having sex with him. The ex thought it was funny and refused to intervene, and whenever the cousin was sober he would claim it was all a joke. There was also a gay friend who would frequently make sexual jokes and comments toward the ex, who also thought that was funny. I didn't enjoy hanging out with these people, in part because of their behavior, but mostly because I was bored of sitting around watching the drunk idiots. I started encouraging the ex to go hang out with them without me, which on top of me not having to be around them, came with the bonus of not having to deal with him while he was drunk.

For some reason the other two became convinced that I was somehow being controlling, even though I was the one sending him out to them. They convinced him that the only way he could go out and have fun was to pick fights with me and storm out and not come back for a couple of days. Which is what he started doing

Hell, I had my computer, I was perfectly fine with this. But they just kept ragging on him until he'd be screaming at me again as soon as he did get around to coming home. It was miserable, but I was stupid and kept trying to catch him in a good (and sober) mood to try and talk about things. I wanted out but didn't want to regret not trying to fix it first, though he finally gave me the excuse to walk away. He left open some IM windows on my computer, him talking to other girls, making plans to meet, saying he was about to be single... and one conversation with a woman who he had agreed NOT to do anything with because she's known to be less than safe about her choices and activities. I went out with a friend and came home to find the windows open, the one with this particular woman involved a discussion about him going to her house and the things they would do to each other that night, ending with each saying "love you" to the other.

So, when he went on a fishing trip with his dad and brother, I packed up and left before they got back. I ran away again and moved off to Florida to stay with friends.

Except, as usual, I was stupid. I immediately developed a crush on a guy I met my first weekend.. and it was great for about a month before he wandered away. I changed friend groups, developed new crushes which also went nowhere... was lonely which made me depressed and miserable. I'm not saying I want forever after anytime soon, but not having someone that I can call when I need a hug or to curl up and watch a movie with once in a while... Its pretty devastating, especially when I'm watching other people around me with all these options and multiple boyfriends and yadda yadda yadda. I was jealous and bitter and lonely.

And yes... While I love the friends who let me stay with them, I had difficulties with the living situation. Their son has Auspergers and thats something that requires a lot of patience and understanding, which I have trouble giving to children in the first place (thus why I'm never having any). He is a sweet child, very loving, but I would get so frustrated with him that I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone. I never did. I would listen to headphones or go for a walk, or lock myself in the bedroom... But a child doesn't understand that they're being ignored or avoided for their own good, especially one who doesn't quite get social interaction in the first place. All he knew was that I was being mean to him, and it made him unhappy. He didn't deserve that.

So when an opportunity came up to move to California and stay with a friend who was looking for someone to basically play house domestic, I took it. I ran away again.

Life lesson learned. Just because a guy is really interesting and funny when you meet him while you are drunk in a swimming pool at a convention... Does not mean that he is someone that you want or need to be friends with, or that it is a good idea to move cross country to live with him as a roommate even though he's already hinted that he hopes for it to develop into more.

Which, of course... Me having just come out of a situation where I was constantly lonely and miserable because I didn't have anyone... made the mistake of letting it turn into a relationship which went extremely, horribly, insanely bad. It didn't take long to discover that we weren't particularly compatible, that we didn't really get along... and the better I got to know him the clearer it became that I didn't really like him as a person, he wasn't someone I would have even been friends with if I had taken the time to get to know him first.

This is where it went from bad to worse. He was extremely controlling, expected me to be home 24/7 because of the dogs we had gotten... he taught them to howl along with him, would get them to do that at 3am, then oddly enough the neighbors made noise complaints and the HOA came down on him. Threatened to have the dogs put to sleep because of the noise complaints.

Not that I had anywhere to go because he's so thoroughly disliked in his area that I had no chance of making friends with him around. He didn't want me being friends with anyone he didn't get along with, because it meant I was choosing their side over him. He even got angry at me for being friendly and wanting to hang out with friends that I had met the same weekend I met him, who I'd actually spent a lot more time with that weekend!

Then, when he rented out a spare room to some people that I ended up making friends and going out with... One night we went out, and were spending time with someone who despises him (thus, he was unwelcome in their home) he texted wanting to know where I was and if he could come join me. My phone was in the car, and I didn't respond. When I finally got home I found that he had fed my pet rats to his snakes. He claimed at the time that he'd gotten confused about which cage was pets and which was feeder rats (even though they were organized into a system that *he* had arranged... all the feeder rats were in an aquarium and my pet ones were in a wire cage beside the bed). Later he admitted that he had done it on purpose to punish me for not telling him when I would be home.

I'm sorry, you can hit me but killing my pets to punish me? That qualifies you as lower than sewer scum. On top of that he tried to get me pregnant (by *pretending* to use protection) knowing I don't want kids, so that I couldn't leave him. Not to mention the constant screaming fights, his psychotic behavior, controlling behavior even after we broke up... constantly expanding the list of chores and duties that he expected for my 'room and board'. I could go on for hours.

Finally one night it did come to physical violence. I gave some cooking oil to a friend so that he could make a birthday cake for someone. The ex saw me do this and once the friend left completely flipped out at me. I went downstairs to feed and water the rats (he bred them as food for his snakes and to sell) and he followed me.

Screaming at me, backed me into a corner in the laundry room, pinning me in a corner and screaming in my face about how I had no right to give away his stuff (the oil wasn't his, and we had 2 other bottles on top of the almost empty one I gave) especially to people who don't like him, for a birthday cake for a party that he wasn't invited to. I was crying and begging him to calm down, asked and then ordered him to back off because I couldn't breathe. He responded by pressing even closer so that he was right up against me, still screaming in my face. I shoved at him to push him away from me and he stepped into my hands so that they went around his neck instead of against his chest.

He accused me of trying to strangle him and threatened to throw me out right then and there, even though he had given me until a specific date to find somewhere to live. Eventually he calmed down and agreed to let me stay until the deadline...

When I finally did move out, it was more drama and fighting, him taking back things he'd given me, saying he'd never given them, all that sort of thing. But eventually I was out. A friend had offered me a couch for a month so that I could figure out where to go, maybe look for a job/etc.

Unfortunately not long after moving I caught a chest cold which developed into bronchitis and I spent most of that month sick. If I'd been able to find a job I likely could have stayed longer, paid rent, and been okay... But no job, and I was worried about over-staying my welcome. I didn't have any other options in the area...

So when I found an opportunity to return to Florida again, it seemed that everything was full circle. My original plan was to stay with Candy, get a job, save up to move back to Cali and actually have money for rent/etc while I found another job. Except that didn't happen, and we're caught up to today.

This morning I was woken up by loud voices, 3 men standing directly outside of my bedroom window. I was confused and on the edge of a terrified sort of panic attack when I opened the blinds to look at them. It was the roommate (not candy, the other one)'s Dad and 2 other men who had come to do some work on the yard and back fence. I told them that I was sleeping and they laughed as they walked away and got back to work a couple of minutes later.

Except. The roommates Dad is also the landlord, and was apparently embarrassed by my yelling at them, so went home and went off on his wife about it.. who called and went off at the roommate about it... who tried to go off on me for it.

I tried to point out the whole "being woken up by strange men outside my Bedroom Window" thing but they're of the opinion that as landlord they can be anywhere and do anything they want on the property. And as the roommate says "They're not saying I have to throw you out but..." wanting to know when I'm leaving. Candy's son is coming back to live with her at the end of the month, and I need to be out as soon as I can find someplace to go.

No money, no options... Fanastic. The last time I tried asking my family for help when I was about to be homeless (that time it was due to a roommate skipping town with the rent money) I literally got the response "Thats nice, we're going to Disney Land" so I doubt they'll do anything. I have a couple of things I might be able to sell off at a pawn shop... and Candy has a friend who is renovating a new house and offered a little bit of cash if we'd help out some.

Hopefully I can come up with enough money to buy a one way greyhound ticket to somewhere else. Just need to find a destination and a couch to sleep on at the other end so that I can look for a job and yet again try this starting over thing.

When I left Cali, I wanted to go home to Arizona but none of my friends there were willing to offer me a couch for a month or two so I could hopefully find a job and then (likely through craigslist) a room to rent. I still kinda want to go home and forget all this starting over nonsense, since it obviously isn't going to work. I've had a couple of years worth of perspective to let go of old drama and such...

Though there are people in Florida I'd like to stay close to, if I can find a way. People in California, too, that I wish I could be near again.

Honestly, I have no idea right now where I'm going to end up or what will come after that. I'm just looking at the very short term and will figure out the rest as it becomes necessary to fill in more parts of the picture.

Heh.

My life is a paint by number but I've lost the paints and the instructions on which color goes where.