Stress Relief

I was going to find a cute hermit crab pic, but really... whats better than a lazy frog? He looks so content, even perhaps a bit smug, relaxing on his back in the sun... (Ironically, I think mr frog is actually from an antacid or similar type 'my belly hurts' advertisement... I choose to keep my illusions of comfort and contentment.)

So.

Sometimes when life gets a little crazy with stress, and I go a little more crazy than usual, I have to crawl into a dark hole and pull the door shut behind me. Shift into hermit mode, listen to loud music, hide from the world until the feelings of isolation are the result of my intentional absenting myself from things rather than a lack of social options.

Occasionally I have to take a few steps back from life before I can remember how to breathe normally. Once in a while this takes somebody else stepping in and reminding me to do it.

Yesterday I skipped out on my usual Saturday night gaming in favor of seeing a friend... Said friend did something very awesome, in that he took me out to dinner, let me babble at him about all of the things that have been stressing and upsetting me... until I worked through it all and shifted into just babbling about random things, character ideas, my writing, etc. Then, as a present, he got me a motel room so that I could spend a night away from the apt and all sources of stress and such.

While a bus ticket to wherever I decide to move might've made more sense, this is exactly what I needed. I left the laptop at home, so no internet although I texted a couple of twitter posts... I spent the night alone with a room, a big soft bed, and a tv. Ironically, in spite of having a comfy bed to sleep in (I'm learning to loathe futons and couches) I stayed up until 6am watching movies. Though the 5 hours I did sleep were more restful and relaxing than I've had in a long time.

My brain is still a bit swirly, its been weeks since I could settle down and focus on any type of writing that took more than 15 minutes, if even that long... but I can face the rest a bit easier now I think. I have a couple of options, and tomorrow I find out whether I'll still have a job long enough to make money for a bus ticket or need to try figuring something out or someone to borrow from. The roommates aren't being dicks about me needing to move immediately, so I've got a little bit of time to work with and that makes things easier as well.

Anyway, I've found a measure of sanity again... so its back to rolling with the waves (speaking of which, I could use a beach trip sometime in the next couple of months, places nearish the ocean are higher on the list of preferred options).

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Down in the downs

So. Yes, I exist. Surviving is kind of an involuntary habit most days, but I do it.

I did end up getting that job at the place that required a bank account, but I only get a couple of days a week so my checks are tiny.

Things with my living situation are up in the air and at the moment I'm just hoping the roommates will let me stay long enough that I can save up money to get a bus ticket to wherever I go next. Not sure where that will be yet. I'd like to go home to phoenix, but don't know anybody who is willing to offer me a couch long enough to find a job and save money to get a room somewhere else.

Have a potential for the vancouver/portland area, another for I think Arkansas, my cousin in Utah offered, and my Sis offered at one point as well... There was a boy in Indiana that I had hopes for but its been months since he's spoken to me, so I'm working on forcing myself to give up and forget about him. Its hard, there were a lot of promises and a lot of dreams built... but *shrug* thats life I suppose. Mine, anywya.

Its hard most days not to feel hopeless about things in general. On top of current stress, it happens to be November... which is always when my life decides to fall apart for some reason. I swear there's a curse, though more likely its just that I'm extra lonely around the holidays so everything else feels twice as miserable.

The moving thing isn't as upsetting as you'd think... I'm already hating the cold here, and I don't really have friends that I can call just to hang out with, or to talk to... so its not like I even have strong ties here. There are people I see on weekends when we game together, but very few show interest in knowing me outside of that. So escaping before the snow comes and freezes my blood solid in my veins, thats a definite bonus.

However, finding a place is difficult as I'll barely have enough money for the greyhound ticket, and will be broke when I end up wherever I go... so I'm basically asking "Hi, can I come be a burden for a bit, until I manage to find a job and can contribute finally?" Oddly enough, not an appealing thing for most people. So... Yeah.

I'll update when I figure out where I'm going, though with my track record it'll only be 3-4 months before I'm having to move yet again...

Positive attitude is beyond me at the moment, but I keep trying because the other option is to finally give up hope entirely... and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Some days...

I tell you, some days its not worth chewing your way out of the cardboard box, or so my raccoon friend tells me. Isn't he awesome? Found it on some cute animals site or other and couldn't help but snag it. These days anything that brings a smile is worth clinging to for a bit.

Its not bad, not horribly bad. Stressful, frustrating, aggravating as hell... but not as bad as it could be, and better than some times I've been through.

Still no job, living in a place where if I don't find a job soon I may be looking at moving in with the Raccoon.. heh... having no luck at job searching stuff and getting really really realllly sick of people who offer advice that is flavored with judgment. Why these people seem convinced that I'm not trying at all I'm not really sure... But most days its hard not to tell them where to shove their judgmental attitudes.

Today was especially hard as I came |--| <- This Close to getting hired at a job fair thing. Except? I don't have a bank account, and they only pay through direct deposit, so they can't hire me. I was so angry I walked most of the mile home in unter 10 minutes. StompStompStomp. Rant. Rage. Etc.

However! An awesome, insanely perky and upbeat friend has offered to help me. Tomorrow I am instructed to call back the one (ONE) place that actually interviewed me, as they should have a yes/no answer by now... and Friday she is going to run me around to places that might be hiring (actually hiring, not just "taking applications") in an ordely, sane fashion that will hopefully be more productive than previous attempts.

Sent an email to my Dad begging, to see if he could help with fundage enough to get a bank account opened, and may have a friend or two who can help a little. Will see. I have a piece of paper that gives me until the 31st to get back to them with the direct deposit info and I may still get hired (Its just a bit less likely, since it was a job fair and 300+ ppl applying for 20 positions).

All of that inane rambling aside... Stress and misery due to not being able to find a job aside...

There are times that I feel genuinely happy, and a lot of times that I just feel content with most of my life... There's even someone that I'm completely infatuated with, and even if that doen't go where I'd like, its nice to at least have had that dream to revel in for a little while. I have days when thats enough. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, next month, or whenever else... Being able to take a moment out of the day to just dwell on the thought of potentially being loved and wanted by him... Definitely worth it. I'll probably screw it up before it can really be more than just a warm fuzzy, because we are talking about Me... But yeah, the thought is a nice one, and I'll hold onto it for now.

I have some good friends, a few outright amazing friends, and a lot of new acquaintances that have the potential to become friends.

I'm writing again, my head constantly full of thoughts and ideas and characters.

Getting a job would solve the majority of my miseries, and the money that the job will bring can help solve most of the rest.

Life could be better, but I'd rather be where I am right now than be any of the places where its been worse... and even some of the better ones. There are enough reasons to enjoy my current time and place and situation that I'm willing to fight to hold onto it, to the potentials of what could be, and see where the path leads from here.

<3 Shanon

Yes I'm Awesome!

What do you do when you have a little of random food things available but not a lot?

Take the bowtie pasta.
Grill some chicken breasts on the foreman thingy.
Cut up the chicken and put it in 2 cans of broth.
Put the bowtie pasta into the broth when its done.
Add Parmesan.
Enjoy.

Is very tasty. I thought the Parmesan would make the broth a bit less salty but it changed the taste more than I expected, still deciding how I like it.
Smells heavenly, and the chicken and noodles is incredibly tasty, but the broth... hm.


Actually, the more I sip it the more it tastes like the broth from my gramma's chicken and dumplings (Now I want chicken and dumplings dammit, Mamaaw's way! Must pester for recipe)

In other news, I'm now living in DeKalb Illinois. Its about an hour from Chicago, and a nifty little college town. Haven't found a job yet, but more places should be hiring soon because Fall classes start in a couple of weeks. Had one good interview but won't know for sure until classes start because most of the employees are students and they don't know yet where they'll need an extra person to fill in gaps. I am hopeful. My friend Beth is pestering me to go do "book rush" at a place down the street. Its a place that sells textbooks and will be getting a lot of business the next few weeks so she thinks will be hiring someone for that phase. I plan to go in Tomorrow and check. If nothing else its a few weeks and some money so that my roommate can stop having to support my annoying food habit :).

Still feeling a bit lonely and blue (See how I tie in the adorable froggy pic?) but I expect that most of that will fade away once I have a job as then I'll have money for going out and doing things and making friends. Not that people I've met through the roommate and friends through gaming aren't awesome, but I wanna find a few who aren't gamers as well. Gasp! Trying to do this learning how to make friends outside of my comfort zone thing. Thats the plan at least :)

Lots to say but nothing of importance, now that I've found a more upbeat frame of mind I'll try to get back to posting more regularly for that like... one person who reads ;)

PS Heather! If you have MaMaw's Chicken n Dumplings recipe or can try getting it, that'd be awesome. Every time I ask I get told there isn't one, but I know there is cause my Sis used to have it. I'll ask her as well, if I can actually catch up with her on the phone.

Having a job will make it possible to go visit her as well, since she's only an hour or two away apparently.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Ribbit.

Not every falling object is a star

So. Update. Yeh.

Got ambushed by the other roommate, creepy little git waited for me to be in the kitchen making something to eat. Its difficult to have a conversation with him that lasts less than 30 minutes because he likes to repeat everything he says like three times, interspersed with near apologies and statements like "I'm not saying (insert slightly offensive or rude statement here) but..." then explains to you in several different ways what he's saying. STFU ALREADY!

So I cut him off fast and bluntly, not in the mood to deal with an extended conversation in which I knew I would end up having to restrain the urge to tell him to shove uncomfortably large objects, like his head, into awkwardly placed orifices. I'm sure you get the picture.

I told him I had gotten the message from Candy that I have until the 4th, and that I didn't really want to discuss the matter further with him.

He started going into a line of complete BS about how his parents threatened to serve them with an eviction notice if I'm not out by then. As if they would throw him out. Still, I pointed out to him that I have made no effort to fight it and have been looking for a place to go. I also pointed out that considering they're vindictive enough to throw me out over *embarrassing* them, I fully believe they're petty and vindictive enough to evict Candy and her child just to punish her for having brought me here in the first place.

His response surprised me, and was stated in an almost reasonable tone of voice. Apparently they had been told or given the impression that I would only be staying for 4-6 weeks, and that was part of what happened. Embarrassing the dad is still the main issue, but behind it was the "Why the hell is she still here anyway?" that helped bring about the decision that I had overstayed my welcome and it was time to throw me out like bad fish.

That, I can respect a bit... though its the first I heard of the 4-6 weeks thing. I'd been given the impression that if I found a job I could stay and pay half of Candy's rent and a share of the utilities and all would be well. I had no idea that I'd overstayed as no time limit was ever given to me.

I have no idea where the misunderstanding came in, lack of communication or whatever else... But as a factor to the melodrama, it can't be ignored and I acknowledge that truth. I forgot that the majority of the people I'm dealing with her are varying degrees of Passive/Aggressive, which is of course another factor. If they'd spoken up around 4-6 weeks to ask... Actually as I recall, he Did ask some questions around that time as to what my plans were, and we had a brief discussion. He didn't, however, mention the fact that I'd passed a deadline so I pretty much thought he was just making conversation.

Yes, I'm still beyond livid and find it unforgivable that it came to the point over me embarrassing the landlord... Especially as it was never communicated to me that there was even a possibility of there being people working on the yard. If there had, I wouldn't have freaked out when they woke me up, I'd just have put my headphones on or gone into Candy's room as she was at work.

Of course communication is an issue, and as we already know a major contributing factor. I still think that he should invest into post-it notes or a message board somewhere in the house so that confusion like this never happens again... but thats not going to be my problem anymore.

On another note. Friday I went into Orlando one last time, wanting to say goodbye to a few people and spend a night socializing and having fun. I was largely ignored, no one even noticed that my hair had gone from almost blonde to pomegranate :(, and I had a couple of really depressing moments that led to me being grateful that it was my last night with that group.

The worse of which was the guy who had last month offered to let me crash at his house with potential to take over a room that was about to be available. He kept trying to hug on me and touch me even though I kept stepping out of reach and walking away. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept sympathy from someone who could've prevented me from getting into this mess in the first place. Especially as he reneged on the offer with a blatantly lame excuse that made it clear he hadn't meant it in the first place (Why do people DO that? Why offer something if you don't actually mean it??). Moreover, shortly afterward he started making comments on how pointless it is to make friends with women who won't sleep with him anyway. Considering he'd made several comments directly to me about how if I stayed there I could sleep in his bed "And if something should happen" etc etc etc... I took this as a direct commentary.

True, it is a subject I'm rather sensitive on at the moment. Many of the offers that I've had came with the expectation that I would "put out" in exchange for the favor of a couch to save me from homelessness. I'm sorry, but anyone who treats me as a prostitute is NOT my friend and never will be.

Any rate, I do have a few viable options from people who aren't implying I'm a whore... Now, of course, comes the discovery that I shouldn't have been worrying so much about finding a destination. Now that I have a few options I realize that I have no way of getting there. I thought I had a couple of things of value, but a trip to the pawn shop disabused me of that notion. Giving up the laptop is *not* an option. All of my writing and photography is on the laptop, I'll hitch before I'll give that up.

So. Not sure still whats going, where, or how to get there... But at least now I have a better understanding of why it went so insane out of seemingly nowhere. That tends to happen when dealing with Passive/Aggressive types. You bumble along clueless that they're seething over something they haven't bothered to tell you that you've done wrong until out of nowhere the Drama explodes all over you. Usually over something completely unrelated.

Humans suck, can I go live with the wolves instead?

Me 'n Willie... On the Road Again

Well not officially yet, as I still don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get myself there... but I've been given my eviction notice. Sort of. The Landlords and their son couldn't man up enough to actually tell me themselves or even put it in writing, the son informed Candy that his parents want me out by July 4th. Which is actually a few days more than I was expecting, so a slight bonus.

I'm enraged over the whole thing, considering I did NOTHING wrong. I woke up to men outside my bedroom window, inches away from my head as the bed is against said window. I had a panic attack, but all I actually did was open the blinds and tell them that I was asleep. They LAUGHED as they walked away. But the landlord was embarrassed in front of his friends, so he wants me out. They're not willing to be reasonable and take into account the fact that y'know... they were talking loudly outside of a woman's bedroom window at 9-10am, and that a woman who has had bad experiences may feel some confusion and even fear upon waking to their voices...

Apparently in Florida its legal for the landlord to be on property whenever they want, they aren't required to give notice, and they can even walk right into your home if they feel the need to. I'm used to Arizona where the landlord or property/apartment manager is required to give written notice of intent to enter the home or be invited. In Arizona, if the same incident had happened, the landlord would have apologized for waking me and made a point of given written notice of any further work to be done.

Of course, if the son had just... y'know... mentioned "Hey sometime in the next week or two there may be some people here to do work out back" the whole thing could've been avoided. He got defensive at this suggestion, saying he refused to set up an email list for the household. I hide in my room to avoid him and he and Candy work opposite schedules so there's not much crossover. Apparently he's never head of post it notes. They're fantastic little things, with sticky on the back, so a "Hey, ppl gonna be doing loud things around the house soon" note could be left on OMG a bedroom door. CONCEPT!!!

WTF Ever.

I have no rights, as I'm not on the lease. Moreover, even if I felt like fighting it or making an issue with them over this, I can't. Technically my being here is a violation of Candy's lease, so if they decide to turn vindictive (which, considering they're throwing me out for *embarrassing* them... I wouldn't doubt) they could evict her and her 9yr old son as well. Which, considering she's going through a divorce, could give her ex grounds to fight for custody.

So. I will continue to avoid the other roommate and the landlords as well should they stop in. I'll continue looking for my next destination and figure out a way to get myself from Point A. to Point B.

Ideally, I'd like to stay somewhere in the general area until after Halloween (ICC, big gaming convention I *REALLY* want to go to) and then likely return to Phoenix. Not sure thats going to happen, nobody in Orlando is offering... and the one possibility I did have came with the hint that I would be expected to put out in exchange for the favor of a couch. Heh. Nope, not a prostitute, not gonna happen. FYVM & Die In A Fire! Plus, it would not involve having to come up with $$ for a greyhound ticket. Working on it, but most of my options are out of state.

I roll, float, etc... Getting a bit tired of this gypsy lifestyle of mine, especially as lately it seems that adversity is what sends me about. There's not much adventure left in it.

Is it bad that once I'm gone I want to send a thank you card commending them on being such "kind" and "wonderful" human beings? I likely won't, as they could take it out on Candy... but the thought of it makes me smile, and smiles are a rare commodity at the moment.

Regrets, or Lack Thereof

The June 19th post to the Secret Regrets blog

I regret everything about what I did to you. How I told you that you were different. How I built everything about you up. How I showed you how to be better at everything you did. How I showed you your true potentential. But how I didn't show you how to live it out without me around. I regret giving you a glimpse of what life could be like for someone more ambitious, knowing full well that I never really loved you and that you would fall right back down to what you were before I met you the second I did. Because for some reason you have no ambition. And I regret being right about all of that. Watching you take back all of your bad habits, and end up right back where you started, broken and bruised. I couldn't fix you, and trying was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt you to no end, and I honestly regret that more than anything I have ever done. And this sounds pretentious, but I feel that I gave you a glimpse of true hapiness in all that I did for you that you will likely never experience again. My love was a figment of my imagination, a reason to help you. No one should ever be loved like that. I am sorry. Male, 20

And I wrote this in response:

I used to think that I was somehow flawed as a person because I was not ambitious in life as others kept telling me that I should be. I regretted every day that I couldn't stoke myself up to try for some higher position at a job, or a better job. That I was able to be content with what I had in life without constantly reaching for more...

But then I realized something. Those I know who are ambitious are missing out on some of the nicer, finer things in life. Workaholics who never see their families. High fliers who spend too much looking at the stars and never see whats in front of their face. People who are so wrapped up in what they want to be that they never take any time to simply be who they are.

I have ambition, but not the kind that involves high paying jobs, owning a home, having a family. I want to write, thats my life's dream, thats all. That is my ambition, what I live for... But it doesn't consume me.

Jobs are a necessary evil, they are a way to make money and pay the bills so that I can write in my spare time. Relationships and romance are lovely, they inspire me, I make time for them because they are an important part of life. Family, I don't expect because I don't plan to have children, but thats a personal choice and not something I'm sacrificing for ambition.

As troubled as my life is, and as complicated as things get for me sometime... I no longer regret my lack of conventional ambition. I'm happy to drift with life and enjoy the moments as they come. I intend to fulfill my dream someday, but it is something that can take a back seat to other things when necessary.

I can think of half a dozen people who could've written this post about me, because they were too busy trying to teach me how to live their way to understand.

Ambition isn't everything, and if you throw your life away on it you will look back one day and regret all the things you missed out on because they weren't as important to you at the time.

Me? At the end of my life when I look back, there may not be a lot of accomplishments... but there will be a lot of warm memories (and even cold ones) of the adventures I've had along the way.

I'll take living over existing any and every day.