Thoughts of the moment

So... Florida. Still haven't found a job, haven't even gotten a single call.

Actually, the lack of calls thing is a little convenient as I've run out of minutes on my pre-paid go phone and there's no money to put more on. No money without job, no job without money, Brilliant!

Part of the problem is the area I'm living in is somewhat... rural. I don't have a car and there is no such thing as public transportation here. My job opportunities are limited to whatever Candy might be able to drop me off at on her way to work at Wallmart. Problem is, neither Wallmart nor any of those conveniently located places are looking for anyone at the moment.

Fret not, I may have a solution to this problem. A friend who lives in Orlando has a room in his house which is supposed to be vacated by its current occupants at some theoretically soon point. They're a couple looking to get an apartment of their own, wanting to live alone... and he's offered to let me have their room at that point. He may even let me crash on the couch until that point.

Here is where the incentive part comes in... See that adorable mutt I posted the picture of? That's Badger, he's been living with my Dad for a while now... but if I get a job and stay at that house, it has a huge back yard and the guy says he'd be fine with me bringing the pup out to live with me again so long as he's reasonably well behaved and house trained.

So a possible move back into Orlando itself, a different area of town, different roommates, and likely an entirely different social circle than I had before. Its promising. There's a little bit of a walk to get to the nearest bus stop, but there is a bus system that I could get to, which makes work finding a bit easier.

Only hesitation at this point... 2 things.

1, the guy has a bit of a crush. He behaves, but has repeatedly made it clear that he wouldn't mind me living in his room. Thats not going to happen, especially after the disaster of having made that sort of mistake in San Diego. Thou Shalt Not Date (or in any way become involved with) Roommates. Too much drama, and still... I'm worried that the crush he has might make for drama anyway. Is it worth the risk to be where I can more easily find a job, and with luck eventually retrieve the Badger?

2, Until I find a job I'm completely broke... Can't even buy ramen to feed myself for however long that takes. Relying on his kindness in that dept runs the risk of compounding the first issue.

So it bears pondering, but either way I'm looking to move into Orlando again.

Besides, the bedroom I currently sleep in actually belongs to Candy's son. Right now he's living with his father, but when school gets out custody returns to her, and I vacate the room.

I have until the end of the month to fully make up my mind and get things moving, so... Its not really a matter of where, but with whom and how to go about it I imagine. Likely it'll be the guy's house, especially as I miss my Badger and hopefully Dad will let me have him back when the time comes...

Have I mentioned I hate making decisions? I'm Phobic. Like... commitment-phobic but in relation to any major decision, its a large part of what gets me into so many scrapes and adventures.

What is she saying?

I have nothing special or clever or important to say today, just posting because I can. And its my blog so really, I can do what I want, listen to me behaving like a spoiled 14 yr old on her birthday :)

Tonight I actually intend to go to bed around Midnight. No, really!!! Going to tag along with roommate when she goes back to work after her lunch around noonish... Harass Wallmart about job application and see whats hiring around the store...

No public transport in Cocoa, so I need to find something at Wallmart or nearby so Candy can give me rides.

Otherwise, I'll be updating my online resume thingy tomorrow... Monster, and apparently carreerbuilder is more effective in the area. I SHALL BE PRODUCTIVE!!!

Today I was housewifely (We joke about that being my role, as I try to make myself helpful by doing the cooking and cleaning and whatnot) so I feel that the day wasn't entirely wasted, which is always a bonus.

The world is a decent place. Not exciting, but shiny.

OH SHINY!!!! So, I've been playing with Twitter again and I found Nathan Fillion (who played Mal Reynolds on Firefly and Serenity) and he said Gorram in one of his posts. I literally fell over giggling in excitement... Ohhh the squee. Sadly, Alan Tudyk doesn't seem to have one.

I did recently get my Alan Tudyk fix from Dollhouse *bounce*. Even when he's being evil he's adorable and delicious.

Sometimes I wish I felt this squeeful about people that I actually have a chance at ever knowing, but ah well. If you can't fall in love with the stars, whats the fun in looking up in the sky at night?

A taste of chaos

And I start with a random seeming webcomic post, because its my favorite flavor of crazy, and because I couldn't find anything specifically appropriate to the post.


So yes, the Beach Trip was fantastic. It was organized by some Pagan type friends, so there was a brief ritual sort of thing... but not really. It involved everyone standing in a circle, and a bottle of honey whiskey (delicious, must find out what brand it was) being passed around. Each person, as the bottle comes to them, makes a toast or comment of some sort...

Its a bit like some Thanksgiving dinners I've been to, where each person says something that they're thankful or happy for... or a few New Years things I've been to where each person makes a resolution or wish for the coming year.

New years is more appropriate, as Beltaine (May 1st) is the beginning of the new year for some pagan types, and the whole get together is in part a starting out the new year kind of deal.

My toast? "To getting it right this time."

After the circle broke there was hippie-like singing (complete with someone playing guitar), some more drinking though not to the point that anyone actually got drunk. It was very mellow, content, people curling up and snuggling and such type of a thing.

Well, of course there was also skinny dipping (aka clothing optional swimming). Yes, I exercised my option to not go naked :P It felt good though, being in the water with friends under the stars and half-ish moon. The waves crashed over us like a mob of over-eager puppies while we laughed and joked and tried not to swallow a gallon of salt water. I resisted the urge to just drift off on my own, and stuck with the buddy system.

No fire, I don't think its allowed there, but after we dragged our soggy selves out of the air the weather was wonderfully mild. Most of us changed into (or put on, for the skinny-dippers) dry clothing or at least wrapped up in towels so that we'd be dry for the drive home but... it wasn't cold coming out, it felt good.

The last couple hours of the night involved pairs and groups flopping onto shared towels, blankets, or patches of sand to cuddle and talk and such. I spent the majority of that time just sitting back and watching, enjoying a feeling of complete serenity and contentment.

Wherever I drift in my wanderlust driven adventures, every time I go to the beach I know that there's at least one place that I belong. I'd almost say it feels like home, but that begs the question of whether home is a tangible thing, a location, or merely a sense of well-being? I'll let the philosophers puzzle that one out, the mechanics don't really interest me. I just know its right, I belong near the Ocean.

BTW Yes, we did clean up and take away everything that we brought along. Well, everything except for the sandal that Candy managed to lose :)

For once, I think I actually look my age

I have nothing clever or useful to say... Wasting time as I wait for my ride to tonight's Beach outing. She should be here any minute, but I decided to play with the camera phone. I look pale and tired but I'm feeling good and look, there's a smile trying to escape!!

I hate smiling in pictures, my grandma used to make me give this huge toothy smile for family pictures and I've never been able to break the habit since.. even though I find that joker-like smile completely repulsive. Ugh.

Funny, people try to tell me that I look sad or lost in my pics, and it really is just that I find that smile so disgusting that I delete any pics where it happens. Anyway, I think I look better in my serious, or slightly playful pics.

Any rate, off to the beach *squee*

So I've had this thing for a couple of years

Now that I know a couple of others who use it, I may actually start posting again. I have a goal here, I intend to keep this blog overall upbeat. It won't always be, because I have a tendency to dwell on the occasional dark thought or troubling memory, and because Drama (DRAMA) likes to pin me for the occasional 10 count (only 1-2-3 is necessary but it likes to stick for the long count just to be cruel sometimes.)

But my dad grumps at me because in other places I mostly post when I'm in negative moods, says I need to learn how to be happy... Well, I'm not sure how to go about that, but focusing on happier things, and posting when I'm in better moods... That I can make a goal of. PLUS! Knowing that family reads it, that should keep me in line right? Can't have them knowing any dark secrets :)

So we re-begin (And I think puppy adorableness was a good start, but figured something of actual content was required as well.)

I've just moved back to Florida after a ill met sojurn in California... Florida was better for me. I had to leave behind my beloved pet rat River, who was the coolest rat in existence, but I couldn't risk getting caught with her on Greyhound. I ran away from some bad stuff, but its firmly in the past where it belongs.

So far things are spiffy. I'm still job hunting, but otherwise things are good. I have an awesome friend who let me stay with her for the moment. I've had a couple of opportunities to visit with old friends in Orlando and spent one spiffalicious afternoon/evening flirting with an old crush. Thats an exciting note, because I'm one of those foolish girls whose life can be charted by the boys she likes, but BUT I plan to be not stupid this time, and as his interest thus far has shown only within the realm of flirtation, banter, and occasionally cuddling type affection... I think I'm safe for the moment. Its a nice high point though, I'm a feline creature that operates on friendly cuddles and affection.

Best of all, later tonight I'm joining friends for a midnight beach trip and... You cannot know how big of a deal this is for me. I'm a girl who grew up in the dark, desolate wastes of the desert... but the beach, the ocean, thats where I feel truly alive. In all my adventures so far, the only place I've found that feels like belonging is at the beach.

Only thing that makes me happier is a thunderstorm. All the crash and chaos, the hint and threat of violence... People tease me about having moved to the land of the hurricanes but I don't mind a bit... I've a notion that it would be just about the most exciting thing in my silly life, and I'm dumb enough to want to be right on the beach or near enough to feel the wind and the wildness of the storm throwing my hair into tangles.

Afterward... after beach, after storm, whichever... With the thunder crash and the chaos of the waves... I feel truly REAL. Washed clean of every dark thought and notion, a being of pure energy and sensation waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting world... But, oddly, in a good way. Like a dull party waiting desperately for some dynamic person to walk in and inspire everyone into fun.

My grandpa used to call me his Muse... and sometimes, in those post storm/beach moments thats what I think I feel like... One of the muses wedded to flesh and charged with the task of carrying the light of inspiration into the midst of some unsuspecting crowd.

... Its 4am, if those last couple of paragraphs don't sound completely insane then I'm going to claim sleep deprivation and pretend that I didn't mean every word as I typed it :)

The essence of adorableness

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaawrrr!!!

I've had this set as my laptop's background for the last week or so since it came up on icanhashotdog.com (cute puppy/dog pics) because I squee every time I see it. For those who aren't quite sure what a Squee is? Its a sort of squeaky, happy noise that bubbles up from that part of your stommach where the butterflies dance whenever something really touches you. I don't know of any better way to explain it but that... Its a literal sound, and sometimes it escapes in a tiny whisper because the thought is too precious to share, or sometimes it escapes in a rush like a teenage girl squealing giddily about being asked on her first date.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where my biological clock exists. Not for babies, though I do on rare occasion find one that makes me giggle at cuteness, but puppies. Tiny puppies most especially, because they are so much of everything wonderful that I've ever wanted in my world that I can't help but find hope in those small moments... that every past transgression, mistake, or outright sin (insomuch as I believe in 'sin') will be forgiven so long as something of this cute-magnitude is allowed to exist in my presence from time to time.

Other tiny animals can have a similar effect, though puppies are always best because I have a life long love affair with puppies and dogs. So long as they exist, there is good left in this world :)