Not every falling object is a star

So. Update. Yeh.

Got ambushed by the other roommate, creepy little git waited for me to be in the kitchen making something to eat. Its difficult to have a conversation with him that lasts less than 30 minutes because he likes to repeat everything he says like three times, interspersed with near apologies and statements like "I'm not saying (insert slightly offensive or rude statement here) but..." then explains to you in several different ways what he's saying. STFU ALREADY!

So I cut him off fast and bluntly, not in the mood to deal with an extended conversation in which I knew I would end up having to restrain the urge to tell him to shove uncomfortably large objects, like his head, into awkwardly placed orifices. I'm sure you get the picture.

I told him I had gotten the message from Candy that I have until the 4th, and that I didn't really want to discuss the matter further with him.

He started going into a line of complete BS about how his parents threatened to serve them with an eviction notice if I'm not out by then. As if they would throw him out. Still, I pointed out to him that I have made no effort to fight it and have been looking for a place to go. I also pointed out that considering they're vindictive enough to throw me out over *embarrassing* them, I fully believe they're petty and vindictive enough to evict Candy and her child just to punish her for having brought me here in the first place.

His response surprised me, and was stated in an almost reasonable tone of voice. Apparently they had been told or given the impression that I would only be staying for 4-6 weeks, and that was part of what happened. Embarrassing the dad is still the main issue, but behind it was the "Why the hell is she still here anyway?" that helped bring about the decision that I had overstayed my welcome and it was time to throw me out like bad fish.

That, I can respect a bit... though its the first I heard of the 4-6 weeks thing. I'd been given the impression that if I found a job I could stay and pay half of Candy's rent and a share of the utilities and all would be well. I had no idea that I'd overstayed as no time limit was ever given to me.

I have no idea where the misunderstanding came in, lack of communication or whatever else... But as a factor to the melodrama, it can't be ignored and I acknowledge that truth. I forgot that the majority of the people I'm dealing with her are varying degrees of Passive/Aggressive, which is of course another factor. If they'd spoken up around 4-6 weeks to ask... Actually as I recall, he Did ask some questions around that time as to what my plans were, and we had a brief discussion. He didn't, however, mention the fact that I'd passed a deadline so I pretty much thought he was just making conversation.

Yes, I'm still beyond livid and find it unforgivable that it came to the point over me embarrassing the landlord... Especially as it was never communicated to me that there was even a possibility of there being people working on the yard. If there had, I wouldn't have freaked out when they woke me up, I'd just have put my headphones on or gone into Candy's room as she was at work.

Of course communication is an issue, and as we already know a major contributing factor. I still think that he should invest into post-it notes or a message board somewhere in the house so that confusion like this never happens again... but thats not going to be my problem anymore.

On another note. Friday I went into Orlando one last time, wanting to say goodbye to a few people and spend a night socializing and having fun. I was largely ignored, no one even noticed that my hair had gone from almost blonde to pomegranate :(, and I had a couple of really depressing moments that led to me being grateful that it was my last night with that group.

The worse of which was the guy who had last month offered to let me crash at his house with potential to take over a room that was about to be available. He kept trying to hug on me and touch me even though I kept stepping out of reach and walking away. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept sympathy from someone who could've prevented me from getting into this mess in the first place. Especially as he reneged on the offer with a blatantly lame excuse that made it clear he hadn't meant it in the first place (Why do people DO that? Why offer something if you don't actually mean it??). Moreover, shortly afterward he started making comments on how pointless it is to make friends with women who won't sleep with him anyway. Considering he'd made several comments directly to me about how if I stayed there I could sleep in his bed "And if something should happen" etc etc etc... I took this as a direct commentary.

True, it is a subject I'm rather sensitive on at the moment. Many of the offers that I've had came with the expectation that I would "put out" in exchange for the favor of a couch to save me from homelessness. I'm sorry, but anyone who treats me as a prostitute is NOT my friend and never will be.

Any rate, I do have a few viable options from people who aren't implying I'm a whore... Now, of course, comes the discovery that I shouldn't have been worrying so much about finding a destination. Now that I have a few options I realize that I have no way of getting there. I thought I had a couple of things of value, but a trip to the pawn shop disabused me of that notion. Giving up the laptop is *not* an option. All of my writing and photography is on the laptop, I'll hitch before I'll give that up.

So. Not sure still whats going, where, or how to get there... But at least now I have a better understanding of why it went so insane out of seemingly nowhere. That tends to happen when dealing with Passive/Aggressive types. You bumble along clueless that they're seething over something they haven't bothered to tell you that you've done wrong until out of nowhere the Drama explodes all over you. Usually over something completely unrelated.

Humans suck, can I go live with the wolves instead?

Me 'n Willie... On the Road Again

Well not officially yet, as I still don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get myself there... but I've been given my eviction notice. Sort of. The Landlords and their son couldn't man up enough to actually tell me themselves or even put it in writing, the son informed Candy that his parents want me out by July 4th. Which is actually a few days more than I was expecting, so a slight bonus.

I'm enraged over the whole thing, considering I did NOTHING wrong. I woke up to men outside my bedroom window, inches away from my head as the bed is against said window. I had a panic attack, but all I actually did was open the blinds and tell them that I was asleep. They LAUGHED as they walked away. But the landlord was embarrassed in front of his friends, so he wants me out. They're not willing to be reasonable and take into account the fact that y'know... they were talking loudly outside of a woman's bedroom window at 9-10am, and that a woman who has had bad experiences may feel some confusion and even fear upon waking to their voices...

Apparently in Florida its legal for the landlord to be on property whenever they want, they aren't required to give notice, and they can even walk right into your home if they feel the need to. I'm used to Arizona where the landlord or property/apartment manager is required to give written notice of intent to enter the home or be invited. In Arizona, if the same incident had happened, the landlord would have apologized for waking me and made a point of given written notice of any further work to be done.

Of course, if the son had just... y'know... mentioned "Hey sometime in the next week or two there may be some people here to do work out back" the whole thing could've been avoided. He got defensive at this suggestion, saying he refused to set up an email list for the household. I hide in my room to avoid him and he and Candy work opposite schedules so there's not much crossover. Apparently he's never head of post it notes. They're fantastic little things, with sticky on the back, so a "Hey, ppl gonna be doing loud things around the house soon" note could be left on OMG a bedroom door. CONCEPT!!!

WTF Ever.

I have no rights, as I'm not on the lease. Moreover, even if I felt like fighting it or making an issue with them over this, I can't. Technically my being here is a violation of Candy's lease, so if they decide to turn vindictive (which, considering they're throwing me out for *embarrassing* them... I wouldn't doubt) they could evict her and her 9yr old son as well. Which, considering she's going through a divorce, could give her ex grounds to fight for custody.

So. I will continue to avoid the other roommate and the landlords as well should they stop in. I'll continue looking for my next destination and figure out a way to get myself from Point A. to Point B.

Ideally, I'd like to stay somewhere in the general area until after Halloween (ICC, big gaming convention I *REALLY* want to go to) and then likely return to Phoenix. Not sure thats going to happen, nobody in Orlando is offering... and the one possibility I did have came with the hint that I would be expected to put out in exchange for the favor of a couch. Heh. Nope, not a prostitute, not gonna happen. FYVM & Die In A Fire! Plus, it would not involve having to come up with $$ for a greyhound ticket. Working on it, but most of my options are out of state.

I roll, float, etc... Getting a bit tired of this gypsy lifestyle of mine, especially as lately it seems that adversity is what sends me about. There's not much adventure left in it.

Is it bad that once I'm gone I want to send a thank you card commending them on being such "kind" and "wonderful" human beings? I likely won't, as they could take it out on Candy... but the thought of it makes me smile, and smiles are a rare commodity at the moment.

Regrets, or Lack Thereof

The June 19th post to the Secret Regrets blog

I regret everything about what I did to you. How I told you that you were different. How I built everything about you up. How I showed you how to be better at everything you did. How I showed you your true potentential. But how I didn't show you how to live it out without me around. I regret giving you a glimpse of what life could be like for someone more ambitious, knowing full well that I never really loved you and that you would fall right back down to what you were before I met you the second I did. Because for some reason you have no ambition. And I regret being right about all of that. Watching you take back all of your bad habits, and end up right back where you started, broken and bruised. I couldn't fix you, and trying was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt you to no end, and I honestly regret that more than anything I have ever done. And this sounds pretentious, but I feel that I gave you a glimpse of true hapiness in all that I did for you that you will likely never experience again. My love was a figment of my imagination, a reason to help you. No one should ever be loved like that. I am sorry. Male, 20

And I wrote this in response:

I used to think that I was somehow flawed as a person because I was not ambitious in life as others kept telling me that I should be. I regretted every day that I couldn't stoke myself up to try for some higher position at a job, or a better job. That I was able to be content with what I had in life without constantly reaching for more...

But then I realized something. Those I know who are ambitious are missing out on some of the nicer, finer things in life. Workaholics who never see their families. High fliers who spend too much looking at the stars and never see whats in front of their face. People who are so wrapped up in what they want to be that they never take any time to simply be who they are.

I have ambition, but not the kind that involves high paying jobs, owning a home, having a family. I want to write, thats my life's dream, thats all. That is my ambition, what I live for... But it doesn't consume me.

Jobs are a necessary evil, they are a way to make money and pay the bills so that I can write in my spare time. Relationships and romance are lovely, they inspire me, I make time for them because they are an important part of life. Family, I don't expect because I don't plan to have children, but thats a personal choice and not something I'm sacrificing for ambition.

As troubled as my life is, and as complicated as things get for me sometime... I no longer regret my lack of conventional ambition. I'm happy to drift with life and enjoy the moments as they come. I intend to fulfill my dream someday, but it is something that can take a back seat to other things when necessary.

I can think of half a dozen people who could've written this post about me, because they were too busy trying to teach me how to live their way to understand.

Ambition isn't everything, and if you throw your life away on it you will look back one day and regret all the things you missed out on because they weren't as important to you at the time.

Me? At the end of my life when I look back, there may not be a lot of accomplishments... but there will be a lot of warm memories (and even cold ones) of the adventures I've had along the way.

I'll take living over existing any and every day.

The Plight of the Pilot Fish

I just want people to like me
(From the webcomic Three Panel Soul)

Poor Mr. Pilot Fish, with a face full of teeth like that he can't even frown. Not that anyone sticks around long enough to notice what mood he's in, they're too busy running away.

Shine your light, Mr. Pilot Fish. Shine your light.

Missing Pieces

Ever get that feeling that the answer to your problems is right there, staring you in the face?

I've been talking to various friends about possible options, a few real ones, mostly theoretical.

I frustrate even myself at times. People keep offering to ask around to see if they know anyone who would be willing to offer a couch for someone who needs a place and a little bit of time to get on their feet. Yet I'm intensely uncomfortable with the idea of accepting help from anyone that I don't already know, a friend.

It feels like that is somehow self defeating. Course, much of what I do is exactly that.


Ugh.

True Story

I've been keeping a fake diary
So when they make a movie of my life
people will think I was happy


My life is fired, I'm not sure what I did in the past or a past life to deserve to so consistently get into bad situations and have such bad luck but I'm running out of anything that could even optimistically be called optimism... and hope. I keep trying to do that whole "start over" thing but every time it explodes, usually in some messy way.

The actual truth of the last few years, instead of the polite lies I tell just to keep people from realizing how thoroughly miserable and lost I am.

In 2006 I ended a relationship. It was close to dead anyway, he and I had already talked about how it was most likely over but as we had just both ended our previous leases (rather, not signed on again) and were about to move in with some friends... we decided to go ahead with the move. He was convinced that living together would fix everything somehow. If not, we would break up and stay friends, and I would find somewhere else to go as soon as I could.

However, some other people... ones that I had trusted and cared for... decided to involve themselves in the situation, twisting something I'd said about where things stood into a story about how I bragged that I was using him until something better came along. The relationship ended badly and the friendship suffered.

Sadly, those 'friends' weren't content to just ensure the messy ending of a 2 year relationship... they also spread rumors about me within our friend group, telling people not to let me be alone with any of the men, though specifically one friend who they said I would "make him do things he doesn't want to". Painting me, essentially, as some sort of sexual predator on the prowl.

After a few months of this I was so lonely and depressed, not to mention feeling isolated due to living in a part of town where I couldn't go visit anyone, and working nights often 12+ days in a row without a day off. How much of the badness of those months is perception due to how miserable I was and how much was the conspiracy it felt like I still have no idea... but it got to the point that it was unhealthy for me to be there. I couldn't look at anything objectively and didn't trust that any of my friends actually cared about me, so I ran away.

I moved out to the country to stay with my dad for a bit. My plan was to get a job and work for a few months to save up, then move to Portland where a friend had a spare room, and I'd be within a 3 hour drive of a boy I thought myself in love with. However, the boy blew me off... Dad and I started to fight all the time, usually about completely irrelevant things... and I ended up moving in with a guy that I started seeing while I was there.

That relationship was a mess from start to finish, and a mistake all the way through. He was supposed to be "a hobby" something you do for a while until you get bored of it, a casual thing because when it started I thought I still had a chance with the other guy. He claimed to understand this. However, he is an alcoholic who is rarely without a beer or a rum n pepsi in hand. When he's drunk he can occasionally be unpleasant, even on a few occasions a little bit violent. He never beat me, but he did get extremely rough a few times. Most of his aggression was him screaming at me and punishing me for things that other people did because he didn't have the courage to confront the ones who actually upset him.

On top of this. I had a 2nd cousin, much older, who whenever he got drunk would try to talk me into having sex with him. The ex thought it was funny and refused to intervene, and whenever the cousin was sober he would claim it was all a joke. There was also a gay friend who would frequently make sexual jokes and comments toward the ex, who also thought that was funny. I didn't enjoy hanging out with these people, in part because of their behavior, but mostly because I was bored of sitting around watching the drunk idiots. I started encouraging the ex to go hang out with them without me, which on top of me not having to be around them, came with the bonus of not having to deal with him while he was drunk.

For some reason the other two became convinced that I was somehow being controlling, even though I was the one sending him out to them. They convinced him that the only way he could go out and have fun was to pick fights with me and storm out and not come back for a couple of days. Which is what he started doing

Hell, I had my computer, I was perfectly fine with this. But they just kept ragging on him until he'd be screaming at me again as soon as he did get around to coming home. It was miserable, but I was stupid and kept trying to catch him in a good (and sober) mood to try and talk about things. I wanted out but didn't want to regret not trying to fix it first, though he finally gave me the excuse to walk away. He left open some IM windows on my computer, him talking to other girls, making plans to meet, saying he was about to be single... and one conversation with a woman who he had agreed NOT to do anything with because she's known to be less than safe about her choices and activities. I went out with a friend and came home to find the windows open, the one with this particular woman involved a discussion about him going to her house and the things they would do to each other that night, ending with each saying "love you" to the other.

So, when he went on a fishing trip with his dad and brother, I packed up and left before they got back. I ran away again and moved off to Florida to stay with friends.

Except, as usual, I was stupid. I immediately developed a crush on a guy I met my first weekend.. and it was great for about a month before he wandered away. I changed friend groups, developed new crushes which also went nowhere... was lonely which made me depressed and miserable. I'm not saying I want forever after anytime soon, but not having someone that I can call when I need a hug or to curl up and watch a movie with once in a while... Its pretty devastating, especially when I'm watching other people around me with all these options and multiple boyfriends and yadda yadda yadda. I was jealous and bitter and lonely.

And yes... While I love the friends who let me stay with them, I had difficulties with the living situation. Their son has Auspergers and thats something that requires a lot of patience and understanding, which I have trouble giving to children in the first place (thus why I'm never having any). He is a sweet child, very loving, but I would get so frustrated with him that I wanted to scream at him to leave me alone. I never did. I would listen to headphones or go for a walk, or lock myself in the bedroom... But a child doesn't understand that they're being ignored or avoided for their own good, especially one who doesn't quite get social interaction in the first place. All he knew was that I was being mean to him, and it made him unhappy. He didn't deserve that.

So when an opportunity came up to move to California and stay with a friend who was looking for someone to basically play house domestic, I took it. I ran away again.

Life lesson learned. Just because a guy is really interesting and funny when you meet him while you are drunk in a swimming pool at a convention... Does not mean that he is someone that you want or need to be friends with, or that it is a good idea to move cross country to live with him as a roommate even though he's already hinted that he hopes for it to develop into more.

Which, of course... Me having just come out of a situation where I was constantly lonely and miserable because I didn't have anyone... made the mistake of letting it turn into a relationship which went extremely, horribly, insanely bad. It didn't take long to discover that we weren't particularly compatible, that we didn't really get along... and the better I got to know him the clearer it became that I didn't really like him as a person, he wasn't someone I would have even been friends with if I had taken the time to get to know him first.

This is where it went from bad to worse. He was extremely controlling, expected me to be home 24/7 because of the dogs we had gotten... he taught them to howl along with him, would get them to do that at 3am, then oddly enough the neighbors made noise complaints and the HOA came down on him. Threatened to have the dogs put to sleep because of the noise complaints.

Not that I had anywhere to go because he's so thoroughly disliked in his area that I had no chance of making friends with him around. He didn't want me being friends with anyone he didn't get along with, because it meant I was choosing their side over him. He even got angry at me for being friendly and wanting to hang out with friends that I had met the same weekend I met him, who I'd actually spent a lot more time with that weekend!

Then, when he rented out a spare room to some people that I ended up making friends and going out with... One night we went out, and were spending time with someone who despises him (thus, he was unwelcome in their home) he texted wanting to know where I was and if he could come join me. My phone was in the car, and I didn't respond. When I finally got home I found that he had fed my pet rats to his snakes. He claimed at the time that he'd gotten confused about which cage was pets and which was feeder rats (even though they were organized into a system that *he* had arranged... all the feeder rats were in an aquarium and my pet ones were in a wire cage beside the bed). Later he admitted that he had done it on purpose to punish me for not telling him when I would be home.

I'm sorry, you can hit me but killing my pets to punish me? That qualifies you as lower than sewer scum. On top of that he tried to get me pregnant (by *pretending* to use protection) knowing I don't want kids, so that I couldn't leave him. Not to mention the constant screaming fights, his psychotic behavior, controlling behavior even after we broke up... constantly expanding the list of chores and duties that he expected for my 'room and board'. I could go on for hours.

Finally one night it did come to physical violence. I gave some cooking oil to a friend so that he could make a birthday cake for someone. The ex saw me do this and once the friend left completely flipped out at me. I went downstairs to feed and water the rats (he bred them as food for his snakes and to sell) and he followed me.

Screaming at me, backed me into a corner in the laundry room, pinning me in a corner and screaming in my face about how I had no right to give away his stuff (the oil wasn't his, and we had 2 other bottles on top of the almost empty one I gave) especially to people who don't like him, for a birthday cake for a party that he wasn't invited to. I was crying and begging him to calm down, asked and then ordered him to back off because I couldn't breathe. He responded by pressing even closer so that he was right up against me, still screaming in my face. I shoved at him to push him away from me and he stepped into my hands so that they went around his neck instead of against his chest.

He accused me of trying to strangle him and threatened to throw me out right then and there, even though he had given me until a specific date to find somewhere to live. Eventually he calmed down and agreed to let me stay until the deadline...

When I finally did move out, it was more drama and fighting, him taking back things he'd given me, saying he'd never given them, all that sort of thing. But eventually I was out. A friend had offered me a couch for a month so that I could figure out where to go, maybe look for a job/etc.

Unfortunately not long after moving I caught a chest cold which developed into bronchitis and I spent most of that month sick. If I'd been able to find a job I likely could have stayed longer, paid rent, and been okay... But no job, and I was worried about over-staying my welcome. I didn't have any other options in the area...

So when I found an opportunity to return to Florida again, it seemed that everything was full circle. My original plan was to stay with Candy, get a job, save up to move back to Cali and actually have money for rent/etc while I found another job. Except that didn't happen, and we're caught up to today.

This morning I was woken up by loud voices, 3 men standing directly outside of my bedroom window. I was confused and on the edge of a terrified sort of panic attack when I opened the blinds to look at them. It was the roommate (not candy, the other one)'s Dad and 2 other men who had come to do some work on the yard and back fence. I told them that I was sleeping and they laughed as they walked away and got back to work a couple of minutes later.

Except. The roommates Dad is also the landlord, and was apparently embarrassed by my yelling at them, so went home and went off on his wife about it.. who called and went off at the roommate about it... who tried to go off on me for it.

I tried to point out the whole "being woken up by strange men outside my Bedroom Window" thing but they're of the opinion that as landlord they can be anywhere and do anything they want on the property. And as the roommate says "They're not saying I have to throw you out but..." wanting to know when I'm leaving. Candy's son is coming back to live with her at the end of the month, and I need to be out as soon as I can find someplace to go.

No money, no options... Fanastic. The last time I tried asking my family for help when I was about to be homeless (that time it was due to a roommate skipping town with the rent money) I literally got the response "Thats nice, we're going to Disney Land" so I doubt they'll do anything. I have a couple of things I might be able to sell off at a pawn shop... and Candy has a friend who is renovating a new house and offered a little bit of cash if we'd help out some.

Hopefully I can come up with enough money to buy a one way greyhound ticket to somewhere else. Just need to find a destination and a couch to sleep on at the other end so that I can look for a job and yet again try this starting over thing.

When I left Cali, I wanted to go home to Arizona but none of my friends there were willing to offer me a couch for a month or two so I could hopefully find a job and then (likely through craigslist) a room to rent. I still kinda want to go home and forget all this starting over nonsense, since it obviously isn't going to work. I've had a couple of years worth of perspective to let go of old drama and such...

Though there are people in Florida I'd like to stay close to, if I can find a way. People in California, too, that I wish I could be near again.

Honestly, I have no idea right now where I'm going to end up or what will come after that. I'm just looking at the very short term and will figure out the rest as it becomes necessary to fill in more parts of the picture.

Heh.

My life is a paint by number but I've lost the paints and the instructions on which color goes where.

Mish-Mash, assorted thoughts

So yesterday's post spurred me into doing some online searchy things, with discouraging results. Apparently I didn't keep any record of where I found the info previously and yesterday I couldn't even find the address, or anything connected to any of the names I had.

The only thing I did find was by doing a reverse lookup of the phone number I had. Its now registered to a James Pitts. So there is still some small potential, will have to ask Dad if that might have been her first married name, cause one of the brothers was "Jimmy" so perhaps?

I may have some notes on cd somewhere in my stuff here, but the cdrom on my laptop doesn't work very well. Candy's doesn't work at all... I may have to ask the other roommate if I can borrow his desktop while he's at work tonight. Then I can sort through the disks, possibly find the notes if I burned them (I think I remember doing that when I took my old stuff off of the comp Dad has now) , and put some stuff onto my usb thingy and transfer it over to the laptop. Music and such mostly, heh.

That kept me awake and alert long enough to have Candy run me to the gas station place to follow up on the job application I dropped off there. Ended up doing an interview, which I should have expected if I had been thinking properly. I'm not sure it went well. I did my best to explain things, but the manager was not pleased with my shoddy work history. *sigh* I may still have a chance, I could get lucky and nobody else who applies wants nights which is what they're specifically needing... But in my experience "We're still interviewing and..." is a brush off. I'll go in again in a couple of days, just to show that I am wanting the job, and possibly take the chance to talk to her again and let her know how very much I do want it... but I'm not particularly hopeful.

Once again I believe I've screwed myself over. Why am I incapable of having work related ambition, or a sane work ethic? I'll toil my ass off in the beginning of a job, when they appreciate me most... but as time continues and they start to take it for granted that I'll continue working at that energy level with zero recognition I begin to feel dissatisfied and miserable in the job. (Actually, the also exactly describes my behavior in regards to relationships as well, heh).

Usually within 3-6 months, depending on how long it takes for to stop saying "hey good job" and such, I start to hate the place. Hate myself for working there. Hate everyone I see there, co-workers and customers alike. Eventually I hit a point where I want to cry when my alarm clock goes off, and I'd rather die than have to face another day. Sometimes I'll manage to keep forcing myself to show up, but more often than not I'll just quit at that point... and not get another job until I either get bored, get desperate for money, or find something that I specifically want to try.

Fortunately -or unfortunately depending on your point of view- I've lived in a lot of situations where my roommates let me get away with this. Honestly, I have no idea why they let me get away with it and I'm surprised that any of those people still talk to me...

So, for example. My last three jobs as seen on the application I just turned in?
BP Amoco March 2008-August 2008 ... 5 months.
Store N More April 2007-July 2007 ... 3 months
Circle K July 2006-October 2006 ... 3 months

I should have added a sheet to include the Collections place I worked at for 8 months and the KFC I worked at for 2 years but the app only had space for the last 3.

So I look unreliable, unhirable... essentially worthless to prospective employers, and I'm stuck in the standard catch-22

I should learn how to lie on job apps *sigh*

I'm tempted to see about updating and printing out my resume and giving that to the manager, maybe the extra 2 jobs and some personal references will help a little? Or maybe just talking to her plainly and explaining that yes I know my work history looks bad but I'm trying to start over and if she hires me I intend to stick around... Its worth considering, though I worry that it'll come across as desperate.

I was so miserable and depressed after the interview that when I eventually let myself doze off I slept 12 hours... So I'm wide awake and active for the day. I intend to put some time into research today and may try starting on the new novel. I have a couple of ideas on what I want to go for format-wise... I'm feeling good about the idea, and oddly enough being depressed just gives me more energy to get into it. Odd, but also not. After all, I use my writing as an outlet for my moods and disappointments, so this fits perfectly.