27 October, 2010

Disappoimtment

I'm having a crappy week, fighting with people over the most ridiculous things, cranky, on edge, and having headaches that make my skull feel like its trying to cave in on itself. Food is unappealing, even the stuff I actually enjoy the taste off, and its a chore to force it down most of the time. I do not want food, however I will not starve myself as I know that its counter-productive. The body requires its minimum amount of sustenance and I will give it at least that, and even if I weren't willing to do that the BF would force feed me if he even thought I was deliberately not eating. So I eat, the body doesn't care how the food tastes, just wants nutrients to absorb, so I will continue to feed its food addiction.

Our first day at the new Gym was Monday, we got a free meeting/assessment with the trainer... Good, because she was nice and helpful... Bad because it is now fully official that I am obese. She tried to cheer it up by saying that I didn't have a lot to lose in order to fall into merely overweight, but thats really cheerful..  It also wasn't a surprise, so wasn't as upsetting as it could be. It did help a lot that she said if we ever have questions or need help she doesn't care if we're paying for training sessions, she doesn't want us to give up or get discouraged so feel free to come to her.

The treadmill felt good, we did 20 min and after 10 I was struggling, but slowed down a bit and got a second wind I guess... I wanted to stay and just gradually increase difficulty for a while but bf wanted to try other machines.  The elliptical I did not like, maybe its adjustable or copying the guy next to me wasn't enough to figure out what I was doing, but I felt like I was trying to ride a child's bicycle, it felt too short for me and I couldn't get comfortable. The weight machines I'm not a fan of either...

But the trainer said that for the first few weeks we should be focusing more on just start going 2-3 days a week and slowly work up to 5 once its a habit. She said focusing on cardio for the first bit, as its easiest and most comfortable to get into is a good idea, and slowly start adding in other things as we go along until we have a full workout going on a regular schedule.

So for now treadmill it will be, and I'll try other things here and again as we go in more often. I had a nice happy little buzz after getting off the treadmill, wobbly hips and knees, hopefully eventually the other machines will kick up the endorphins as well.

Today will be our second trip to the gym, and I'm looking forward to it...

Today the mail finally came with that gorgeous coat I ordered and I look horrid in it... Its too small, and even taking the lacing in the back out it still won't button... I used to be able to wear an XL, maybe not over my chest but I used to be able to get XL coats to button up to a certain point, but this one even with the back's lacing removed, won't catch a single button. I feel disgustingly pathetically fat... I'll likely continue to wear the one (I got both colors) because it looks "ok" unlaced and unbuttoned, it hangs alright so until it gets cold out i should be able to wear it.... The other is goign to go on a hook on the back of the closet or bathroom door as a daily reminder to stop being fat so I can fit in the coat I just wasted so much money on (cable got disconnected last night, I bought the coats instead of paying the bill...)

I'm extremely disappointed that it didn't fit, that I blew the money I should've spent responsibly... So maybe if wanting to fit in the coat *and look good wearing it* isnt' motivation enough, maybe I can shame myself into a different kind of motivation.

Positive motivation works better for most people, but for me sometimes negative works even better...  de-motivational posters and whatnot, maybe to shame myself into it, maybe just as a reminder of what  I DON'T want to be anymore... Its not something I know how to complain, just that sometimes positive focused attempts are only destined for failure with me... Like calling it a"life-style change" in the past has only been an excuse to claim I was dieting while sitting on my ass and doing absolutely nothing to effect a change... however in calling it an actual Diet, which so many people try to tell me I can't do... is helping me motivate and stay dedicated to it. The word Diet has a finality to it that hangs over my head as a reminder to fight temptation to go back to binge-eating and such, so unlike most I prefer it this way.

So.  I will hang a coat as my daily reminder to stop being too fat to look good in it... I will continue with my calories and portion control so that I don't slip back into binge habits... I will go to the gym (and the amount I'm paying per month is bonus motivation to not waste those fees by making excuses not to go)... I will succeed.

I will one day be able to look in the mirror and smile becuase I will be comfortable and happy within my own skin, instead of immediately turning away in disgust.

25 October, 2010

Haven't written much because a lot of it would have been whining. I'm hungry, I don't like a lot of the foods I'm eating, I want a damn hamburger, I want cheese, wah! In spite of all that, I'm doing my best to stick with it.

Weekends are difficult as we sleep in and don't eat our first meal of the day until around noon, and I just can't bring myself to force 3 meals down between then and bedtime. Yesterday I ended up using that as an excuse to snack on buttered popcorn and vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup... Saturday I had a handful of tootsie rolls. Tasty, but not worth it. We did finish up the ice cream though, and thats almost the last of the junk foods we had in the house before starting. I've got a hidden box of chocolate pocky in the closet, saving for chocolate emergency *grin* otherwise there's a box of brownie mix, and a cake in the freezer that we plan to thaw out and take to a party this or next weekend. Ohhh... and some chocolate fudge pop tarts...

After that, aside from small single serving treats that can be kept aside as occasional rewards, I won't be bringing any more into the house. If its not there, I can't eat it.

Fridays we get out at Noon, so went to check out a couple of gyms. One that bf's mom goes to for her physical theurapy which was a nice little place and would've been cheap, but didn't really have much to offer. The other turns out to be just down the street from us, maybe a mile and a half at most. Lots of amenities (including oxygen bar),  more pricey but we decided it was worth the extra cost. Being so close to home takes away almost any excuse we might have to skip out.

Tonight we have an appointment to talk to one of their trainers about our goals, they'll do all the measurements and bmi stuff apparently, and go over what sort of exercise and whatnot we need to be doing to achieve our goals. Something I'm extremely nervous about as I know myself well enough to know there's a heavy chance of me taking things personally, which would be unproductive. BF and I are going together, though, so he can do most of the talking and elbow me if I get oversensitive :)

I'm hopeful, we're excited about the gym. Probably going to start at 2-3 days a week but I want to eventually be going 5... maybe even for a few minutes on the weekend.

So.

Whee.

:)

19 October, 2010

thud

Energy reserves are running close to empty... in part because its a rainy day and I really just want to be curled up in a blanket (or my obnoxious pink snuggie) and wait for the storm to crash down. Mostly because I'm exhausted, over worked (in the sense of constantly having to be on the go, rather than working too much at my job), and only get 4-5 hours sleep a night.

In the evening I can't find the energy to do much more than sit on the couch and try not to fall asleep until after dinner. So I play with the wii, watch tv a bit, look at the emails that I still need to respond to from almost a month ago... flitting from one thing to the next with a complete lack of focus. In my head I write lists of the things I need to be working on but it just makes me want to cry because I don't know where to find the time without giving up more sleep, or filling up my weeknights to the point that I don't stop moving until bedtime.

And somehow, with an overflowing social calendar, housework/etc type responsibilities, a full time job, wanting to do nanowrimo this year, and a boyfriend who doesn't know seem to know how to relax (I've been joking about slipping tranquilizers into his food so that I can stay home for the night)... I need to find time to start going to the gym. Its overwhelming... I just want to chuck it all and curl up in a dark closet for a bit just to get some quality alone time.

Since thats not an option, I'm just going to have to learn how to say "Sorry, but if you really want to go out you'll have to go alone this time" Which I put into practice for the first time today, as we're supposed to meet his friends at Red Lobster for endless something-or-other and I just don't trust myself to eat there.

Also, I desperately need to start getting to bed earlier. Every day I say I'll be in bed by 10, which turns into "Just one more episode of How I Met Your Mother" or some other tv show that comes on just as I'm about to get up.. or the bf and I curl up in bed and end up talking until well after midnight.. or something else comes up to prevent me from getting to bed (That friend I haven't seen online in at least a year who just happens to sign in as I'm about to shut down the laptop, that email I just need to answer, the blog I'm "almost" finished writing...) So I'm going to start trying to get to bed by 9, and if that doesn't work, I'll try to be in bed with a book by 8...

I'm hoping that clearing a couple of items out of the social calendar, keeping up with housework (do dishes every night after dinner instead of letting it pile up, etc)... and getting to bed earlier will help.

And maybe this headache I've had for the last couple of weeks will go away once I start getting more rest. Maybe I'll be able to focus on things again. I'm also hoping that getting rid of the headaches will cure the near constant nausea that comes with them... I feel like I'm just one loud bang away from a migraine.

Though I don't really mind that it makes food unappealing... less temptation to fall back on bad eating habits.

16 October, 2010

shopping setback and depression




First of all, let me clarify. Yes, I understand that it is going to take a while on the diet before I see real results, thats not what this is about.

What its about is trying to find clothes that I can fit to, for the last month off and on I've been stopping in at Ross in hopes of finding some work appropriate blouses as currently I have a total of 5. I used to have more, they don't fit any longer (or are too cleavage-tastic to be appropriate). The search is futile. 2x tops no longer fit (part of this is because I finally got the right size bra, going from a DD to a G) and the selection of 3x tops... well the range goes from simply unflattering to outright ugly.

I also tried on some pants, a size larger than I've ever worn before... and they didn't fit right.

I was near tears, and seriously began to consider whether I should just start wearing dresses or skirt sets as they're easier to hide the flab, and easier to find in sizes I can wear. The level of self-disgust and depression was unmanageable... all I could think of was going to mcdonalds and getting a big greasy quarterpounder and a metric ton of french fries, maybe even a chocolate dipped cone and a trough of dr pepper. If I'm going to be disgustingly fat I might as well dedicate myself fully to the effort, right?

Of course it was unrealistic and ridiculously overdramatic, its just part of my self hating cycle.

We compounded the mistake by going to a Halloween store, costume shopping... Lots of mid-drift revealing outfits that show off as much skin as possible. I found exactly one costume that was an XL, nothing larger that might actually fit me. Of course. More self loathing.

I would ban all shopping until I get more results, but I desperately need more clothes I can wear to work, so more misery is in my near future. Hopefully soon I can find enough to carry me through, but somehow I doubt that.

Aside from the bit of self disgust and junk food cravings, which as I say are just part of my self-hatred in those kind of moments... I actually look at this as motivation to lose weight, so one day I can stop feeling this way about myself and be a happier person in general.

Its hard to love yourself or really be a happy, life affirming type of person when you feel disgust every time you accidentally make eye contact with a mirror. Every day of the diet (and yes, the rant is coming where I will bitch about people constantly telling me NOT to consider it a diet) is a day closer to becoming the person who can do and be those things.

15 October, 2010

"Friends" or How hard is it to just say "Woo hoo GOOD FOR YOU!"

I am sick to death of supposed friends and their crappy attitudes about the BF and I trying to get into healthier shape. Every day when he posts to his facebook about his progress, at least one or two people have to respond with snarky and unsupportive comments. Co-Workers taunt us with what their lunch/dinner plans are, tease about going out for ice cream or other treats.

WTF is up with the mockery and almost cruel attitudes? Why is it so offensive to others that WE want to get OURSELVES in shape? Some of my female friends have gotten downright pissy, insisting vehemently that there's nothing wrong and I don't need to loose weight. Incidentally, most of the ones who respond this way are larger than I am, so in their case I imagine it has to do with insecurity... same as I myself get pissy when skinny girls bitch about their weight.

Luckily most of my own friends are at least being polite, but the bf's "buddies" seem intent on tearing him down and making him feel horrible about wanting to become healthier. First they mock him about his weight, then they react as if its unmanly to try getting into shape. I would shrug and say "men" but even a couple of his female friends have joined in.

Ugh. Stab.

assorted thoughts

Somehow I managed to stay under calorie goal today while slipping on foods... we had friends over for dinner, so I ended up splurging a bit on the mashed potatos... forgot how much I love 'em, I could have happily given away my share of everything else just to have more than one serving of tasty potato-ness... yet we knew it was coming, so I kept my breakfast and lunch under 300, so there would be plenty for dinner. I was convinced that the meal we had planned would be well over 1000.

The last couple of days I've been around 1300, today I broke 1500... the site is still yelling at me for not eating enough fats and calories, to the point that I'm considering adjusting my goal. A couple of times as I've been trying to figure out how to work it I've accidentally done something-or-ohter that causes it to reset itself to something like 13k-18k so I'm wondering if thats what I should be doing anyway?

Aside from food cravings and temptations to justify "But I'm under goal, I can totally afford this snickers bar!!" its not as hard as I expected. I'm still training myself to eat smaller portions instead of trying to fill up, so I'm still always a bit hungry, but its getting easier to push back.

I know that I will have my battles with self control, but so far its just a bit of a struggle. I'm trying to channel some of the positive feedback into motivation for other things... like possibly doing nanowrimo, getting out of bed early in the morning (the alarm clock is my enemy, I do not do well waking up), keeping up with housework... doing dishes before bed instead of letting them pile up...

Gotta keep rolling, I dunno if I'll be able to get going again if I stall.

13 October, 2010

Motivation: This beautiful coat and other clothes that I'd love to fit into!




I have been pining after this coat for well over a year now, but at the time it was on sale for only $100 I couldn't justify the expense on something that only goes up to XL and thus may not fit... especially now that the price is back up to $198 and hasn't gone back on sale. I've told myself I could look into their exchange policies and make sure that I can trade it for something else if it doesn't fit, but I don't think anything on the site goes above XL. I tried telling myself that I should check the return policy, find out whether they might be willing to refund the coat if I can't get into it... But the chance of the coat not fitting gangs up with the cost and I haven't been able to justify the risk.

I want the coat, I don't think I have words to explain how much I want this particular coat, this exact design, or even why it calls to me so strongly. Yes, I want a jacket that actually gives me a shape, rather than some shapeless gunnysack of a coat that more often than not makes me look twice as large as I already am...

The BF and I have been back and forth about this coat, him trying to convince me that I should go for it, using all the arguments about exchange and refund that I've tried on myself already, but I just haven't been able to face the potential disappointment of pulling this beautiful thing out of the box and not being able to get into it. Its a disappointment I'm used to with my more than ample bust, but a devastating one when I'm as attached to the idea of something as I am to this. I've had myself convinced that the fantasy of the coat is more satisfying than the potential risk of bursting my shiny bubble...

However, the coat haunts me... I lust for this coat more than I can rightly recall having lusted after any human being, especially for such an extended period of time. Crushes, infatuation, certainly.. but this full on craving, this insatiable desire to find out whether it could work out... for over a year? No, not that I can recall, not even in my youthful Jonathan Brandis obsession ;)

So I will cave, but I will do it for a damn good reason. This coat is going to be my reward for slimming down enough to fit into it, buttons closed with no gaps! This coat will be the first step toward a beautiful new wardrobe that will eventually replace the majority of my current collection of t-shirt and jeans. Each reward will be accompanied by throwing out (or donating) an item from my fat clothes collection.

The Trap!




Yesterday ended reasonably well, although in my efforts to stay under goal I went too far under... less than 1300, so the site yelled at me when I finished my calculation for the day.

There was a huge temptation to eat something else, but it was after 11pm and I was getting ready for bed so it didn't seem wise. Even realizing that eating just before bed is supposed to bad, just knowing that I could afford another meal... my belly rumbled, lecturing me for passing up a chance after teasing it all day long with "meals" that couldn't come close to satisfying hunger...

I keep finding myself thinking of calories as a bank... I withdrew 240 for breakfast, lunch is around 300, I'll likely pull out enough for a soda... and what I really want is a snickers bar but when we looked up the nutrition info it just didn't seem reasonable. About the calorie value I expected, but almost half of it in fat...

Fat is another problem, by the by. It seems counter intuitive to intentionally eat some fatty foods, since I want to lose the roll around my midsection it seems like I should be avoiding fat. Yet the site also yelled at me for not eating enough of that.

My head spins. If I do my best to only eat healthy, low cal (cardboard flavored) foods, I'm not eating enough... if I go for tastier foods its too much... Somewhere a middle ground exists, I just have to stumble my way into it.

However, I still consider yesterday as being under goal, and a success.

12 October, 2010

Calorie Resentment!



I'm already beginning to feel a resentment, even bitterness toward calories (as if they're an entity determined to take my tasty foods away from me!)... Its unreasonable, and if I'd eaten better before now it wouldn't be such a disappointment... But damned if I can smile about eating a cardboard tasting low-cal meal that isn't even enough to put the hunger down. I've usually been good at eating just till I'm not hungry anymore, rather than trying to fill up, but damn my belly feels empty.

I'm having a stressful day so I gave myself a Mtn Dew to go with my Smart Ones Chicken Parm... Taking my lunch from 290 to 460. Rather than be angry at myself for indulging, I choose to direct my frustration at the calories themselves. Maybe that will burn some off? Doubtful, but I hate that I have to feel bad about having a soda. One, my only soda for the day... I've gone through 2 32 oz bottles of water already today, making my work morning somewhat uncomfortable (I'm a receptionist, if I need to leave the desk I have to call and get someone to take the phones.. and I have this incredibly silly hang-up where I don't even want people to acknowledge knowing I'm doing something restroom related, much less have to make a big deal of it...)

No matter how much water I suck down, I'm still hungry. Most of the food cravings are for junk that I try not to eat very often anyway so even if it weren't for calories I would resist it... but not being allowed to have the junk, even though I know I really don't want it, irritates the

I feel like I'm trying to break a food addiction, maybe thats not far off. I had no idea until yesterday's shopping adventure that I've been so drastically and grossly over-indulging myself. Too used to instant gratification, crankiness results from self-denial. I am a spoiled child on the verge of a tantrum because I WANT COOKIES! Or chips, or another soda... but even the kraft handi-snacks I keep in my desk are a bad idea, although they're only 100 calories 50% of that is from fat! The whole thing gets me so upset I resist even chewing gum, and in a snit last night refused to buy headache meds because I didn't know how many calories per tylenol.

I'm not a positive person, its just too easy to dwell on the frustration and drown myself in an angst-bucket but I'm doing my best to look for positives... If I can stick to it, exercise a little self control and willpower it will eventually be worth it. I know it will be a while before I'll see much in the way of measure-able progress, and initially much of that will be self delusion as I insist that my jeans fit more comfortably than they did last week even though I still can't get the button to stay closed.

I'm being realistic in my goals, I understand that the current frustrations are because I need to train myself into better habits. Eventually the mouse sized portions will begin to satisfy my appetite, I'll learn what snacks are acceptable, how to decide on meals based on a more reasonable distribution of my calorie allotment. I'll be used to what indulgences I can "afford" instead of hating myself for a Mtn Dew because that means my dinner will be smaller or I'll have to forego snacks.

But I'm going to keep blaming the calories, tell myself that staying under goal is a way of teaching the little bastards they can't beat me down! Just like people in my past who have made me feel that I could never succeed, I choose in this challenge to fight through it and prove them (the calories!) wrong. I can and will stay under goal, I won't rage at myself if an occasional indulgence puts me over the line. I'll keep chugging the water down like I'm drowning and the only way to survive is drink the pool dry!

A Daunting Task


Yesterday the BF and I went to Sam's, I wanted a giant bag of boneless skinless chicken breasts and thats usually the best place to find that at a reasonable price. It seemed a good idea to do some shopping, pick up a few supplies and maybe some snacky things.

At first it was amusing, even a bit fun to look at our favorite foods to see how many calories, how many servings, try and get an idea of how much we're going to have to cut back on what/how we eat to meet the goal of 2000/day. It didn't take long for the adventure to lose its glimmer, and very soon it became a chore. We continued, even looking at things we knew we had no intention of buying, and soon we moved into depression, edging toward discouragement.

As an example, one of my all time favorite comfort meals is mac n cheese. Preferably plain old Kraft from the box, occasionally velveeta shells n cheese. A single serving is over 400 calories, and I've been known to occasionally make up a box for myself.. just because. A quick check online tells me that a serving is 1/3 of the box, so thats a 1200 calorie snack right there.

Yeah..

To be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sure thats a fair representation of our eating habits. Make something tasty, eat until we're full, then maybe eat a bit more just because its so tasty its a shame to let any go to waste. Our average day has been fast food for breakfast and lunch, maybe 50% of the time dinner either fast food or a restraunt. Cooking at home isn't much healthier than greasy fried foods, I'm a sub-par cook... Until this relationship most of my "home cooked" meals have been microwaveable, hamburger helper, frozen pizza... Very few veggies or fruits and an active avoidance of anything that calls itself healthy.

Oh, and soda... I drink 'em like its the end of the world and I'm afraid I'll never taste sweet caffiene again. Several people have made the joke that I should bypass the consumption process and just have an iv line installed.

Luckily I do enjoy drinking water, and have been cutting myself down to one in the morning (but not today, so far!) and with lunch, though usually I undo the good of it by getting the biggest size possible, and a refill to take back to work with me.

Basically it got to the point where we were so upset by 1) the amount of calories we normally consume 2) the fact that so many foods say a single serving is basically a handfull of food and 3) having no idea how to go about doing this. Official Day One of diet and we came a breath away from saying it was too stressful, we'd rather just stay fat.

However, we made it through the moment by agreeing to continue trying the calorie thing, convincing ourselves we'll get used to the tiny portions and not feel like we're half starved all of the time. Do some research to figure out what is reasonable to set aside for each meal, etc. At least 2 weeks, likely a month just to give ourselves some extra time for adjustment.

So we got the chicken and a few other things, then went to our local grocery store to take advantage of a 2/$4 sale on lean pockets and other healthy type meals that we can take to work for breakfast and lunch. Trying to keep the first two meals under 300 each, which leaves a bit for a soda and a snack later, and plenty for dinner. Hopefully thats reasonable (He tells me that breakfast is supposed to be the big meal of the day, but I'm one of those lucky people who can't eat much first thing in the morning or it makes me nauseus).

My 290 calorie Lean Pocket breakfast tasted like cheese flavored cardboard, but I'm hopeful that my Smart Ones Chicken Parmesan will be more satisfying... trying to be hopeful, anyway.

?

ot be deleted later, just testing to see whether I can post from email (without having to sign in from the reception desk at work, rather not have coworkers find, lols)

11 October, 2010

The Girl in the Mirror



The girl in the mirror has never been my friend. I was a fat kid and no one ever let me forget that fact, jabbing and tugging at my flab like it was a game, poking fun at my weight and attitude, day by day shoving me further into insecurity until I felt there was no point in trying to escape. I became a self hating creature, claiming I was comfortable with myself while keeping eyes averted from my reflection. Its easier to lie when you can't see the blobbity thing with accusing eyes, that poor skinny girl hating the fatsuit that carries her around.

People tell me constantly that I look good, that I carry my weight well, that I'm proportionate so it doesn't matter. What they mean is that I have a huge rack, so most people never really look at my wobbly midsection. I hate you when you tell me I look fine the way I am, because in my head what you're really saying is "I like that you're fat." Accept this truth, I am overweight. According to the BMI charts I'm well into the category of obesity. Yes, I'm tall and well endowed, that doesn't change the fact that the "ideal" weight for my height is almost a hundred pounds less than I weigh now.

Please don't say polite things intended to talk me out of getting into better shape. To be frank, where it concerns insecurities the opinion of others is pretty much irrelevant. I have no intention of becoming a stick figure or a barbie doll. I want to drop 50 pounds, to be at a healthy weight, to fit into nicer clothes. Most importantly, I want to make friends with that girl in the mirror. I am going to do this... and if you can't be supportive, just get out of the way.